NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Joe Biden once again threatened to bomb American dissidents and use gun control to disarm people who wish to own the arms and accessories for those arms that are necessary for self-defense, telling a crowd during a speech that it’s time to ban the number of bullets that can go in a magazine, whatever that means, and that guns are useless for self-defense against the government because it can bomb you with F-15s.
“And ban the number of bullets and go in a magazine. There’s no no need for any of that. I love my right wing friends to talk about the tree of liberty is watered with the blood of patriots.
Give me a few needs to worry about taking on the federal government. You need some F-15s, you don’t need an AR-15. I’m serious. Think about it.”
But then, after that line about how the government can just blow up those who worry it has gotten too powerful (the irony of that statement being lost on him), Biden got confused.
This time, unlike in most of his speeches, that confusion didn’t come from the teleprompter. It didn’t come from his tiredness, from his still being hungry despite the extra dose of applesauce that Dr. Jill gave him, or even from his senility and not really grasping what was going on.
Rather, Joe actually remembered something, or at least thought that he did. What he remembered was that just hours before he had been clutching his pearls and going on and on about January 6th, saying:
“Lookie here folks, because this is important. January 6th was the greatest attack on our democracy ever. Every! Worse than the civil war, worse than Pearl 9/11, worse that Tokyo Harbor,” likely meaning 9/11 and Pearl Harbor but mixing up some of the names.
Continuing, he then said “Sure, none of them had guns. Yes, they didn’t have any real plan. No, they didn’t kill anyone. But it was the worst attack on our democracy ever because they were racists!”
Biden, during his talk about gun control and F-15s, remembered that. He remembered that all the January 6th mostly peaceful protesters were unarmed, that they didn’t have AR-15s, but that the F-15s hadn’t saved the cowering Congressmen in the Capitol, that everyone on his staff was telling him to call that protest the greatest attack on democracy ever.
And so his mind melted on stage. Breaking down in obvious confusion, Biden started mumbling, saying “Wait, that doesn’t make sense…buffalo man was unarmed but no F-15s stopped him. What the heck, Jack? Is this all malarkey?”