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Biden Declares Cornpop Responsible for Sudan Chaos

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Announcing in a White House press statement what is going on in the Sudan and what his Administration is doing to protect the thousands of Americans trapped in the now war-torn country, Biden said:

    Today, on my orders, the United States military conducted an operation to extract U.S. Government personnel from Khartoum.  I am proud of the extraordinary commitment of our Embassy staff, who performed their duties with courage and professionalism and embodied America’s friendship and connection with the people of Sudan.  I am grateful for the unmatched skill of our service members who successfully brought them to safety.  And I thank Djibouti, Ethiopia, and Saudi Arabia, which were critical to the success of our operation.     
    I am receiving regular reports from my team on their ongoing work to assist Americans in Sudan, to the extent possible.  We are also working closely with our allies and partners in this effort.
    This tragic violence in Sudan has already cost the lives of hundreds of innocent civilians.  It’s unconscionable and it must stop.  The belligerent parties must implement an immediate and unconditional ceasefire, allow unhindered humanitarian access, and respect the will of the people of Sudan.  We are temporarily suspending operations at the U.S. Embassy in Sudan, but our commitment to the Sudanese people and the future they want for themselves is unending.

    But then, after what was a statement devoid of helpful details and full of platitudes, he made things even worse by going off script and proceeding to blame a nemesis of his youth, Cornpop, for the situation in Sudan. Speaking on that, he said:

    Now, look, we know who was responsible for this. It was a classic Cornpop operation, pure and simple. I remember what was going on that day in Delaware when I told him to chill out and then he threatened me with a switchblade. I remember having to confront him with a chain. I remember what was going on and how we fought against it. It was a classic attempt at Cornpop-led domination of normal, hardworking, peaceful people. That’s all it was, pure and simple.

    “And now the same exact thing is happening in the Sudan. The same thing, Jack! Do you believe that malarkey?! So now my administration will stand up to Cornpop. We’ll teach him that there’s no region of the world that he can hide in, no single spot on Earth that his horrid predations won’t be tracked and cracked down upon by us. We’re the good guys, Jack! Now that’s the truth, and it’s high time we act like it. Catch my drift? So watch out Cornpop, we know you’re responsible for this war and now we’re coming for you!”

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