NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
In a recent speech, President Slow Joe Biden was once again unable to complete a sentence after speaking for approximately 15 minutes. He had yelled about how the “semi-fascists” were upset that “our democracy” had used apparatchiks within the NSA and CIA to censor and silence them throughout 2020 for most of the speech, though about 7 minutes in he took a brief (about 2 minute) detour to rant about how Cornpop was planning on using an uncensored Twitter to “hang out at a pool he’s no longer allowed to visit.”
In any case, after his rant about how “democracy dies in darkness” and thus the “semi-fascists need to be kept far, far away from the light, far away from where they can spread their dangerous ideas and change voting patterns in our democracy”, Biden then started stumbling over his words.
He couldn’t finish a sentence, couldn’t make a point, couldn’t even stick to the large font script on the teleprompter. It was embarrassing and went on for a full five minutes before anyone around had the presence of mind necessary to walk up on stage and inform Biden that he needed to stop talking and then lead him off stage. Finally someone in the Secret Service detail did so, with a hot mic catching the guy saying that Biden could have a “warm bowl of oatmeal” if he walked off to the Secret Service SUV “without making a fuss”.
Biden promptly did so and haltingly ambled off stage.
The online outcry about the day’s speech was severe, with many on the right and left questioning how Biden could be trusted to lead the country if he couldn’t even complete a sentence.
Biden likely didn’t hear any of that, as our source within the White House informed us that he promptly took a nap after eating his raisin oatmeal in the back of the SUV, only waking up after the long flight on Air Force One back to DC from San Bernandino, California, where he was speaking.
However, whoever runs his Twitter account did see the criticism and promptly lost their mind over it, with the president’s official Twitter account posting a string of 17 tweets attacking those who criticized the president, declaring it “ableist” for anyone to attack Biden for being unable to speak for more than a few minutes at a time without starting to ramble or lose his ability to speak coherently.
That then led to a huge number of hilarious tweets, with a few anonymous Twitter accounts posting hilarious memes of obese Americans saying it was “ableist” that they weren’t allowed to win the Olympics, a 5′ 2″ Asian woman complaining that the NBA was ableist for saying she couldn’t dunk on LeBron (he was too busy burning American flags to notice that he had been referenced), or a blind man declaring it “ableist” to stop him from competing in a NASCAR race.