Skip to content

Biden Declares Nuclear War with Russia a Good Thing Because “Nuclear Winter” Will “Solve Global Warming”

    shutterstock 528910063
    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    What’s going on behind closed doors in DC right now? Team Biden is attempting to fight global warming by breaking out the “nuclear option”…literally.

    According to our anonymous source within the White House, a gaggle of “climate change experts” have convinced the senile and nearly brain-dead president that “those climate change numbers are gonna kill us, Jack!” and so Biden has gone all in on “stopping the climate crisis”.

    Unfortunately for humanity, someone else said, while trying to convince him to back off risking war with Russia over the Ukraine, that a nuclear war could mean a nuclear winter. Quoting the Smithsonian, that individual started giving the background on the nuclear winter idea, reading Smithsonian Magazine and saying:

    In 1980, paleontologist Luis Alvarez and his physicist father Walter presented evidence that an asteroid had hit Earth at the end of the Cretaceous Period. They argued that the impact had thrown so much dust and debris into the air that Earth was blanketed in shadow for an extended period, long enough to wipe out the last of the non-bird dinosaurs. If true, this hypothesis showed a way that a catastrophe in one location could have long-term effects on the entire planet.

    Sagan and his former students James Pollack and Brian Toon realized this work applied to climate change on Earth—as well as nuclear war. Along with meteorologists Tom Ackerman and Rich Turco, they used computer models and data collected by satellites and space probes to conclude that it wouldn’t take a full-scale thermonuclear war to cause Earth’s temperature to plummet. They found average global temperatures could drop between 15º and 25º Celsius, enough to plunge the planet into what they called “nuclear winter”—a deadly period of darkness, famine, toxic gases and subzero cold.

    Biden, however, stopped listening after he heard “average global temperatures could drop between 15º and 25º Celsius.” “Woah, woah, woah, Jack,” he said, “You mean to tell me that it will drop temperatures by a whole lot if we get in a nuclear war? That could solve climate change. Heck, I heard yesterday that climate change and global warming are gonna push the temperature up by about 2 degrees Celsius or so, man. We could buy ourselves a lot of time with this nuclear option, got it?”

    Biden’s staff did “get it” and so has been pressuring the military to ready for a “nuclear war on climate change.” Putin has heard rumors of that and demanded that the Biden Administration “stop its lunacy before the world ends to save a few polar bears…who are doing better than ever, anyway.” Biden then called Putin a “racist” for “not caring about the people of color in the South Pacific impacted by rising sea levels.”

    By: Will Tanner. Follow me on Twitter @Will_Tanner_1

    Do you think Trump should be arrested?(Required)
    This poll gives you free access to our premium politics newsletter. Unsubscribe at any time.
    This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.