NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Biden messed up when giving a speech yet again over the weekend, losing his cool after being told that the price of ice cream was up 50% over year over year. Furious, Biden stomped off to the White House nuclear bunker to “watch his programs” in peace and quiet while scrolling through Twitter.
Having been completely out of it for the past year and a half, Biden has no idea what the current terms in vogue are, so when he saw all the vitriol directed against “Brandon” on Twitter, he thought that that guy must be the one to blame for making ice cream painfully expensive.
And so Biden wandered over to the press pool and, shooing press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre off stage (she later leaked to reporters that she thought his “overbearing, dismissive demeanor” was “racist” and “not respectful of [her] lived reality as a lesbian woman of color”), gave an improvised speech about stopping “Brandon” from “making ice cream prices go up.”
At first, the reporters thought his speech was satirical and a joke mean to poke fun at Republicans for always calling him Brandon. And so they started laughing as he mentioned “Brandon” and ice cream, trying to play along with the joke.
But Biden had no idea what was so funny and snapped at them to stop laughing and start taking the “important ice cream inflation issue seriously”, droning on for about 15 minutes about why “there is no reason that ice cream prices should be increasing.” Speaking on that, he said that America is a land blessed with natural resources such as oil and farmland, but that “some Brandon guy has stopped the country from fully exploiting those resources”. Fox News Channel’s White House Correspondent, Peter Doocy, shouted out “couldn’t agree more, Joe!” and Biden responded by saying “glad we can find some common ground in blaming this Brandon guy.”
It was then that Dr. Jill Biden stormed into the press pool room, walked up on stage, said “speech time is over” into the microphone, and started dragging Biden out of the room by his right ear.
But Biden wasn’t ready to go and shouted “stop dragging me around, nurse” (yes, he apparently thinks Jill is his nurse and that’s why people call her “doctor”). He then started yelling about how he “needed to stop this Brandon guy” and that he suspected “Brandon is collaborating with Cornpop.”
Dr. Jill stopped, turned, yelled “you’re the one those people online are calling Brandon, you idiot!” and then stormed out of the room with him in tow.
With them gone, everyone in the room started laughing, including the CNN staffers. It was just too funny.