The Biden administration has stepped forward with a groundbreaking solution to ensure the American public stays informed, or at least uniformly misinformed. The government announced today its latest initiative: “Don’t worry your pretty little heads about following the news; we’ll spoon-feed you the state-approved message directly.”
“We’ve noticed a troubling trend of individuals trying to think for themselves and, even worse, doing their own research,” Biden said in a speech. “This initiative is about simplifying your lives. Think of us as your personal news sommelier, selecting only the finest, most palatable narratives for your consumption.”
Under this revolutionary program, Americans will no longer suffer the headache of cross-referencing sources or the existential dread of critical thinking. Instead, they will receive daily briefings directly from the government, neatly summarizing what they should believe, feel, and repeat at dinner parties.
“For too long, the media landscape has been cluttered with facts, figures, and diverse perspectives,” Biden continued, “We’re cutting through the noise to bring you a single, harmonious message. Remember, unity is only possible when we all think alike.”