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Biden Eats Banana While Saying “We Ain’t a Banana Republic, Jack”

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    How’s Brandon’s brain doing? Not great. It’s down to its last few cells. Such was apparent during a recent press briefing the brain-dead president was giving in which he tried claiming that the “MAGA Republicans” are the reason for budget issues. Reading from a recent statement that had been released earlier by his office, Biden said:

    The extreme MAGA Republican House Freedom Caucus has made their priorities clear: imposing devastating cuts to public safety and increasing costs for working- and middle-class families, all to protect and extend tax breaks skewed to the wealthy and big corporations. In fact, their tax cuts would be so expensive that their deep and harmful cuts would not reduce the deficit.

    That’s in sharp contrast with the President’s Budget, which invests in America, lowers costs for families, protects and strengthens Medicare and Social Security, and reduces the deficit by $3 trillion over 10 years, while ensuring no one making less than $400,000 per year pays a penny more in new taxes.

    Combined with other commitments extreme MAGA House Republicans have already made, the extreme Freedom Caucus proposal will be a disaster for families in at least five key ways: endangering public safety, raising costs for families, shipping manufacturing jobs overseas and undermining American workers, weakening national security, and hurting seniors.

    He then tailed off and looked around confused, seemingly not ready to finish the remainder of the pre-written statement. One reporter took the opportunity to jump in and ask him a question, yelling, “So what about the upcoming arrest of President Trump? Is that gonna happen? Are we a banana republic now, as the MAGA Republicans are saying?”

    Biden, half-listening to the question, rummaged around the podium and found the snack that had been left there by a staffer…a banana. Peeling it and awkwardly taking a bit out of the side while trying to answer the question but getting confused, he said:

    “No way, Jack, no way. We ain’t a banana republic, Jack, and that’s just a fact. I mean look around. I’m elected. Got the most votes ever. Good thing so many people mailed in their ballots, heha. Know what I mean? So no, we’re all about law and order and preserving our democracy, that’s for sure. And anyone who says otherwise is a lying, dog-faced pony soldier. Probably a MAGA Republican siding with Putin!”

    Biden then started sniffing the air and walked off stage without giving any more details or finishing the statement he was supposed to have read. Our source within the White House says he probably smelled the oatmeal that was being prepared for him as a post-speech snack and wandered off to get a bowl. Dr. Jill was reportedly furious, saying she would divorce him if he kept making a fool of himself and they weren’t able to spend another four years in the White House. Biden reportedly asked how his nurse could divorce him and then called her a banana republic.

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