NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Things aren’t going too great for President Slow Joe Biden. Not only is he staring a recession in the face as he desperately attempts to claim that it’s not a recession despite the economy contracting for two months because…he doesn’t want to label what’s currently happening a “recession,” but he’s also now had Covid twice in as many weeks.
Turns out, however, that it wasn’t by accident that the Resident-in-Chief got Covid. Rather, Kamala intentionally gave it to him, as she freely admitted during an Instagram video of her doing shots of vodka and gin with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, who was thoroughly drunk and not at all excited about being in a video with Kamala.
In the video, which was up for a full 30 minutes before someone on Kamala’s staff took it down and claimed it was “a joke,” Kamala can be heard yelling: “Well I just want to be president. Like really, really bad, ya know? So I might have bribed Dr. Fauci to give me some Covid samples that I slipped in Joe’s oatmeal one morning. I mean, it’s not like I wanted him to die or whatever, just to get sick so I could be president for a few days and everyone would see how well I could do…then I’d be elected!”
Kamala then cackled on camera for a full 17 seconds before ending the video.
President Biden was reportedly furious about Kamala’s betrayal of him and putting his health at risk that he gave a rousing speech to the various cutouts of administration officials in his basement lair with him, with security camera footage capturing a video of him yelling about “that Kamala woman” being “as bad as Cornpop” and how he’s gonna have to “teach her a lesson.”
He promptly fell asleep and forgot about the whole thing, however, with no one wanting to tell him about it and risk igniting controversy when he woke up. And so Kamala though she was in the clear, until Biden logged onto Twitter and saw all the videos about Kamala infecting him with Covid.
Less angry than the first time because he had a bowl of oatmeal to chow down on while watching the video, he demanded an explanation rather than losing his cool.
Kamala apparently got out of trouble after she called in a few tech nerds that she had bribed with a promise of a few more vacation days and being able to work from home on Fridays, having those tech guys use lots of lingo and few words with meaning to convince the president that the video was nothing more than a “deep fake” planted on the web by “Vladimir Putin’s computer people.”
Biden bought it and Nancy Pelosi was too drunk to remember what happened, so the event has mostly been forgotten within Democrat circles, though Republicans have saved it to use when attacking Kamala in the future.