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Biden Furious to Discover White House “Nap Room” Really a Nuclear Bunker that He’s Not Supposed to Be Hanging Out In

    pointy joe
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    Note: This is satire, not fact or a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    An anonymous source within the White House, refusing to speak on anything other than a condition of anonymity because “the Bidens know the Clintons” and s/he does not want to be “Epsteined”, reports that Biden has been in a bitter fight with the top military and Secret Service personnel over whether he can fully repurpose the nuclear bunker underneath the White House into a dedicated nap room.

    Speaking on that situation and Biden’s demands, the anonymous source said:

    Yeah, so Biden’s been disappearing for like three hours a day, noon to three basically, for the past few months. “Dr.” Jill says he’s thinking about “strategy,” but, as he puts on his pajamas around noon, it’s pretty clear that he’s just sleeping. He also heats up glasses of milk in the microwave beforehand, which makes it even more obvious. Calls it “Dr. Biden’s miracle cure” and tries to get the younger interns to drink it, which is always uncomfortable.

    Anyway, we finally figured out that he’d somehow figured out how to get into that nuclear bunker under the White House and has just been crashing down there for a few hours each day. When the Secret Service finally found him, they asked him to just use his bedroom, but he said he’s worried ‘the rabbit’ will find him there and that he’s too scared to sleep when he’s up there in the daytime.  I guess he’s talking about the Easter bunny that startled him the other day.

    Frustrated, the Secret Service said that it was fine for him to sleep down there, but not to touch anything.

    That went well enough for the first few days, but then Biden started getting annoyed by the sounds from the generator, air filter, you know, all that post-bombs dropping survival stuff, and also thinks the lightbulbs need to be replaced with red lights because he watched that Tucker Carlson documentary about testosterone.

    Well, the Joint Chiefs said that he couldn’t repurpose the nuclear bunker into a nap room, with the Secret Service also concerned, albeit for different reasons. They’re worried that if it’s too comfortable he might just stay down there and they’ll have to pry him out of the nuclear bunker, which sounds difficult.

    So yeah, that’s started a bitter fight that’s ground pretty much everything else to a halt, particularly on the military front. The generals, content to have something to focus on besides war with Russia or how badly they did in Afghanistan, are bringing in expert after expert to explain why the bunker is necessary and needs to be kept just the way it is. Biden, who insists on eating ice cream cones at those meetings, just chuckles and says ‘if a nuke hits, we’re all dying anyway, Jack.’ I suppose his logic makes sense.

    Indeed it does, as it wouldn’t really matter how the bunker is set up if a hydrogen bomb hits. Regardless, it’s disturbing that the president’s nap room is what the White House is focused on.

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