NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Biden gave his State of the Union address on the night of the 7th. It was heralded by many on the left as Biden’s opportunity to show how great of a job he was doing, to prove the haters wrong by brilliantly showing everything he was doing to keep Americans safe, the economy booming, and America’s position in the world secure. He was expected to downplay inflation, cheer the recent stock market upturn, accuse Republicans of supporting “insurrection” and “election denying”, and defend his response to the Chinese spy balloon.
But, of course, that’s not what he did. Instead, he ranted for an hour and a half about his old menace from his days as a pool lifeguard in Pennsylvania: “Cornpop.”
As a reminder, Biden claimed years ago that he had to fight off a pool tough named “Cornpop.”
Telling that story, he said that he yelled “You! Off the board, or I’ll come up and drag you off” to Cornpop, who didn’t take kindly to that instruction. Instead, he told Biden he’d be waiting outside and, when Biden went into the parking lot to confront him, “He was waiting there with three guys [with] straight razors.”
But Biden was prepared for a fight he had brought a chain to use in the expected melee, but then got Cornpop to back down by apologizing for calling him a mean name. In his words: “I walked out with the chain. I walked up to my car. I said: ‘First of all … when I tell you to get off the board, you get off the board, and I’ll kick you out again. But I shouldn’t have called you Esther Williams, I apologize’…He said OK, closed the straight razor and my heart began to beat again.”
Watch him tell that story here:
Well, unfortunately for both Biden and pool-goers everywhere, Cornpop is back. Speaking on that during the State of the Union address, Biden said that the CIA had found Cornpop hiding out at a community pool in Baltimore where he was “intimidating everyone” with his “razorblade and gang of poolhouse toughs.” Biden then proceeded to describe how he and a number of Secret Service agents had taken “baseball bats and a few German Shepherds” to confront Cornpop “once and for all.”
This time, however, Cornpop didn’t back down. Instead, he and Biden fought in a duel to the death, Louisville slugger v. razor blade, a battle which Biden claimed to have won.
Fact-checkers looked into Biden’s schedule and found that neither he nor anyone from the Secret Service or his entourage had traveled to Baltimore since his presidency began, so the story is likely false. Hunter, however, claimed to have bought crack from a guy named Cornpop, so maybe the pool-based gangster is still out there somewhere.
By: Will Tanner. Follow me on Twitter @Will_Tanner_1