NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
In a desperate attempt to bring black Americans back to the Democratic Party and voting for its less-than-ideal candidates come November, Team Biden decided to announce that it planned on adding George Floyd to Mt. Rushmore, calling him the “founder of the anti-racist United States of America”.
As the idea came after Juneteenth, which studies determined was celebrated by approximately seven people not affiliated with the DNC or woke corporations/non-profits, it planned on announcing the idea on July Fourth in order to show that it was “committed to an anti-racist Independence Day” and making the “admittedly uncomfortable holiday more welcoming to all Americans.”
While the idea was received well within the Biden White House, Dr. Fauci was reportedly frustrated that he too wasn’t added to the mountain of faces, as he felt he had done just as much “good” for the country in 2020 by destroying the economy with lockdowns, making everyone wear masks, and constantly appearing on CNN to the delight of many sexually frustrated wine moms and cat ladies.
And so Team Biden amended the announcement at the last minute, figuring that adding Fauci wouldn’t be all that difficult and that doing so would solidify their position with middle aged women in the suburbs whose husbands have gotten out of shape over the past few years, a key demographic for Democrats in swing states.
Announcing the idea, Biden quickly wandered off script, saying that he was “immensely proud of Obama’s son, Willie” and “Mr. Masks”, and so he planned on adding them to the Grand Canyon come January 1st.
Correcting that with a follow up statement after Biden was lured off-stage with a warm bowl of oatmeal, Kamala noted that “George Floyd, not Willie” and “Dr. Fauci” would be added to Mt. Rushmore, not the Grand Canyon, on July Fourth, not January 1st. She blamed the teleprompter for Biden’s error, though her defense of him was half-hearted at best.
The idea, however, was not to be. Native Americans quickly and vociferously rejected the idea, declaring it a “vicious, further desecration of sacred land” and that they would “respond with the hatchet” if Biden dared “add those abominable figures to the mountain.”
That started a war between Native Americans, BLM, and “the science” that everyone else stayed out of in the interest of not getting canceled after making a comment taken the wrong way by one of the various groups involved.
Biden, however, did wade into the controversy with a joke that was not taking well, saying that he would “rustle up some cowboys and cavalry” to clear the “Injuns” if they didn’t back down, a comment that let the White House to stop him from speaking for the rest of the weekend and that Kamala refused to provide cover for, forcing “D.” Jill to intervene and say that he’d been watching “too many Lone Ranger episodes to relax”.