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Biden Pledges to Give Zelensky Funds Earmarked for Ohio During Ukraine Trip

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    President Joe Biden recently announced that he had visited Kiev and Zelensky during his trip to Europe, saying:

    As the world prepares to mark the one-year anniversary of Russia’s brutal invasion of Ukraine, I am in Kyiv today to meet with President Zelenskyy and reaffirm our unwavering and unflagging commitment to Ukraine’s democracy, sovereignty, and territorial integrity.

    When Putin launched his invasion nearly one year ago, he thought Ukraine was weak and the West was divided. He thought he could outlast us. But he was dead wrong.

    Today, in Kyiv, I am meeting with President Zelenskyy and his team for an extended discussion on our support for Ukraine. I will announce another delivery of critical equipment, including artillery ammunition, anti-armor systems, and air surveillance radars to help protect the Ukrainian people from aerial bombardments. And I will share that later this week, we will announce additional sanctions against elites and companies that are trying to evade or backfill Russia’s war machine. Over the last year, the United States has built a coalition of nations from the Atlantic to the Pacific to help defend Ukraine with unprecedented military, economic, and humanitarian support – and that support will endure.

    I also look forward to traveling on to Poland to meet President Duda and the leaders of our Eastern Flank Allies, as well as deliver remarks on how the United States will continue to rally the world to support the people of Ukraine and the core values of human rights and dignity in the UN Charter that unite us worldwide.

    Well, what he left out of that announcement but pledged to Zelensky, our White House source tells us, is that Biden pledged to ship to Ukraine the money meant for Ukraine’s recovery. Commenting on that to Zelensky, our source tells us, Biden said:

    Now look here, Jack, America has plenty of money to send you. We’re rich as heck, ain’t we? We can defeat those dog-faced pony soldiers in Russia, Jack. Now lemme tell you what I’m gonna do, and this’ll blow your socks off. Alright, we’re gonna send you all that money meant for that rotten town in Ohio. 

    “Ain’t nothin there other than some deplorables and a railroad, what are we sending money there for anyway? Trains can run with chemicals nearby and people can move! Ain’t no problem at all. Not a bit, Jack. So we’ll send money to you.

    “Heck, the deplorables are mean to my beautiful son, Hunter, and your friends at Burisma. That’s all I need to know, Jack. We’ll help you out with that money, just you watch.

    Zelensky, in response, said “it is not enough. We need more money.”

    By: Will Tanner. Follow me on Twitter @Will_Tanner_1

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