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Biden Receives Huge Donations from All the Bankers He Saved By Bailing Out SVB

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    President Biden patted himself on the back for bailing out a woke bank’s depositors in a statement released last night by the White House Briefing Room, saying:

    Over the weekend, and at my direction, the Treasury Secretary and my National Economic Council Director worked diligently with the banking regulators to address problems at Silicon Valley Bank and Signature Bank. I am pleased that they reached a prompt solution that protects American workers and small businesses, and keeps our financial system safe. The solution also ensures that taxpayer dollars are not put at risk.

    The American people and American businesses can have confidence that their bank deposits will be there when they need them.

    I am firmly committed to holding those responsible for this mess fully accountable and to continuing our efforts to strengthen oversight and regulation of larger banks so that we are not in this position again.

    Tomorrow morning, I will deliver remarks on how we will maintain a resilient banking system to protect our historic economic recovery.

    But while Biden and his lackeys pretended that “strengthening the banking system” was their goal with the bailout, it really wasn’t. Rather, according to a White House insider, they used the threat of not bailing out SVB unless sufficient donations were sent in to pressure SVB’s depositors and other bankers around the nation into sending in donation dollars. Speaking to us from a DC payphone, that insider said:

    “Yeah, so they couldn’t really care less about what’s going on here, other than it seemed like an opportunity to bind Wall Street and the bankers even more closely to them. So they used their lobbyist contacts to send out messages to all the bankers and SVB’s depositors, saying that there wouldn’t be a bailout if big donation dollars weren’t sent in.

    “That looks like it worked, because Brandon’s 2024 PAC received like $4 billion in the space of a few hours, on a Sunday afternoon. Not typical donation activity, if you know what I mean. Most of it came from LA, Chicago, Charlotte, New York, and Atlanta. All the big banking hubs. Then, within 30 minutes of that, Yellen and Powell sent out their statement on how they were saving democracy or whatever by bailing out the bank’s depositors.

    “The bankers were set to lose a lot of money if a bail out didn’t happen…after market trading of bank stocks was very, very ugly. So it makes sense they paid the bribe when the tin cut was passed around and shaken. But this was just outright extortion by Biden and Co. We’ll see if it happens again as more banks start to crumble…my guess is that these guys are out of liquid cash to spend as an extortioned payoff, so the next time Biden rattles the donation cup, we might see a major stock selloff. But that’s just speculation.”

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