NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Slow Joe Biden is back at it with making a fool of himself in front of the whole country, now going to absurd lengths in a desperate effort to boost his approval rating before midterms come and lead to a complete and utter disaster for Democrats thanks to his presidency’s unpopularity with the average American who has been hammered by everything from humiliation abroad to devastating inflation at home.
In fact, according to our anonymous source within the White House, President Biden is apparently wandering around in his nightcap and boxers with a bowl of lukewarm oatmeal in his hands and asking everyone if they think he would be more popular were he to pretend to die.
That source, speaking on the phone with us while running from someone he thinks the Clinton Foundation sent after him, said:
“Yeah, so there I was, just doing my thing, normal day in the chaos of that senile dolt’s White House. The Press Secretary acted like a retard, the military did something even gayer than normal, the economy is looking to be in worse shape than Jerry Nadler’s beltline…what a disaster.
“But then, as we’re attempting to clean up all the messes he and people hired by him made, Brandon stumbles into the room. And get this: he’s wearing nothing but his boxer briefs and a nightcap, like some cap you see in a pre-World War II cartoon, and he’s carrying around a bowl of oatmeal and newspaper.
“Then he starts mumbling and eating the oatmeal while gesturing to the paper, which included some note about how popular the Queen is. None of us realized what was going on or what it was that he wanted, so Biden puts down the oatmeal and goes ‘What do ya think about that, Jack?!’ to some terrified intern,
“The intern mumbled some triviality about how she did good things in her youth and the people remember that, you know, typical stuff people say about a dead person, and Biden goes ‘no, no, no. Not what I meant, Jack. Should I do the same thing?’
“The poor kid goes ‘Do you mean die, Mr. President?’ And Biden loves it! He starts laughing and goes, ‘well, pretend to! I think it’ll help out! Look at how popular she was…that’s what we need around here, Jack! And don’t get all offended because that’s just a bunch of malarky!’
“Then he just wandered off again while eating the oatmeal. To be fair, it was the longest sentence I’ve seen him string together in like a month, so perhaps the news isn’t all bad…but it was still pretty awful.”
Biden’s staff refused to comment on the rumors, but did say that he “wasn’t feeling well” after a lunch with Kamala and Hillary and that his condition might get worse close to election day.