President Joe Biden recently declared that undocumented immigrants must commit at least 273 crimes before facing arrest and deportation. The perplexing announcement came during a press conference at the White House, where Biden, flanked by confused aides and a stack of legal textbooks, attempted to clarify his controversial stance.
“Listen, folks, we’ve got to be fair and just,” Biden declared, his voice echoing through the press room like a poorly-tuned radio. “These folks are just trying to make a better life for themselves, you know? And who are we to stand in their way? So, I’ve decided that we’ll only go after them if they’ve committed, you know, a couple hundred crimes or so. It’s only fair.”
The announcement sent shockwaves through law enforcement agencies and immigration courts, with officials scrambling to update their arrest protocols and criminal databases. “This is unprecedented,” remarked one bewildered ICE agent, shaking his head in disbelief. “I mean, how are we supposed to keep track of all those crimes? Do we need to start handing out punch cards?”
Critics of the policy wasted no time in voicing their outrage, accusing Biden of prioritizing political correctness over public safety. “This is insanity,” exclaimed one frustrated commentator on Fox News. “You’re telling me we have to wait until an illegal immigrant has committed hundreds of crimes before we can do anything about it? What’s next, giving them a gold star for every felony?”
But Biden remained undeterred, insisting that his unconventional approach to immigration enforcement would ultimately lead to a more inclusive and compassionate society. “We’ve got to show these folks some empathy, you know?” Biden mused, his brow furrowed in thought. “Besides, who hasn’t accidentally committed a couple hundred crimes in their lifetime? It’s just part of being human.”