NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Joe Biden was furious to discover after his FBI raided Trump’s Mar-a-Lago home that being in a “banana republic” and insisting on “banana republic” policies doesn’t mean that Dr. Jill will let him have an extra banana with his breakfast oatmeal.
Commenting on that in a rambling speech in which he was supposed to be defending the FBI’s raid, a raid that many saw as an egregious abuse of power and persecution of a political enemy, Biden said:
“Look, Jack, I hate tyranny as much as the next guy, but boy do I love bananas! They’re fun to peel, they taste good, they’re better than prune juice at helping me deal with my constipation…they’re just great!
“Heck, I have one in my oatmeal every morning and it’s pretty much all I look forward to. That and not having to see Kamala until 2 pm now, those are my blessings! A banana.
“So I heard people talking about a ‘banana republic’ and I thought ‘hey now, that’s pretty cool! Maybe in a banana republic, I can have two or three bananas with my oatmeal, which would be delicious, obviously!’
“But then it turned out that that’s not what it means. Instead, all those guys in those windbreakers that used to follow Hunter around are instead going to Florida. Now that’s a pretty disappointing result; I had high hopes for the banana republic idea, but Dr. Jill is still only letting me have one banana. It’s a bunch of malarky.”
Dr. Jill then appeared on stage and tried to lead Biden away by offering an orange that she had already cut up and put in a Ziploc bag for him, but he refused, insisting on a banana. It was an awkward situation that only ended when Biden saw a small child to sniff and wandered off.
FBI Director Christopher Wray then appeared and had to walk back all the talk of a “banana republic,” saying:
“The US, despite what President Joe Biden just said, is in no way a banana republic or any other type of tyrannical despotism.
“Sure, the optics of the Mar-a-Lago raid aren’t great. Even I will admit freely to that and recognize the unfortunate nature of how it was misconstrued.
“But our intentions were pure and a political, partisan motive completely lacking. We were raiding the home of a political enemy of the president’s only to stop a horrific crime from happening, one that I obviously can’t speak about as of now. But all of you, Republican and Democrat alike, should sleep soundly in your beds knowing that the FBI is behaving a perfectly responsible, respectable way right now and that none of your liberties are in any way at risk.”
Shortly after he finished speaking, news broke that the FBI was serving warrants on people who had posted “mean memes” about Biden or sent President Trump messages of support.