NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such,
What’s up with the economy? You’re not the only one in the dark right now: President Brandon is pretty darn confused too.
He, in a recent statement about the “danger to our democracy” of not sending $50 billion more to the Ukrainians, argued that “it made no sense” that Americans are worried about “the strongest economy ever”.
Speaking on that while attempting to take a sip from a water bottle, dropping it, and then chasing it around the floor while continually, accidentally bumping it with his foot and not being able to grab it, Biden said:
“Well, uhh, here’s the thing, Jack. It just doesn’t make a drop of sense that so many people are worried about what’s going on in the eco–”
That was when the water bottle fell and he started chasing it around while mumbling, saying lots of random words and making a few grunts but not really stringing together a coherent sentence other than “Hunter gets what’s going on, Jack.”
Finally, someone in his security detail walked up on the stage and grabbed the bottle for him, leading Biden back to the microphone and gesturing for him to start with the speech again.
Biden did so, saying: “Like I was saying, it’s a whole bunch of malarky, Jack. A whole bunch. This is the strongest economy ever, my people told me so this morning. Record numbers.”
Someone in the crowd then shouted out “record inflation numbers you senile fool”.
Biden, responding, said “what inflation? Prices are down, Jack. Way down. I signed an order saying so, and I’ll tell you what, I did a pretty good job with the signature.”
Someone else then shouted out that gas prices were rising, food prices are way up, cars can’t be found to buy at a reasonable price, the stock market has crashed, and things are looking worse than they have in decades.
Biden, confused, turned and looked to his staff. They were off stage, so we couldn’t see how they responded, but Biden then seemed to start talking in a surprised tone, saying:
“Now if this is a bunch of malarkey, then I’m gonna be mad. But if prices really are up, then, well, Jack, that’s just something we’ve gotta handle. This has gotta be the strongest economy out there.”
A third voice then yelled out “It’s gonna fall of the cliff, you fool” and Biden had no idea how to respond, standing on stage with a gaping, open mouth until someone told him that it was time to go and he wandered off stage.
His Twitter account has since been silent, so we don’t know what he’s up to now or if his opinion on the economy has changed.