NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Tired of having to work with his handlers to say anything (they want to check his statements to make sure he doesn’t make some racist comment that leads to the left ditching him), President Slow Joe Brandon has decided to start a “cover” journalism outreach program arranged through Hunter’s contacts in the mainstream media world.
That program is derisively called “scoops for scoops” by the select pool of journalists involved, according to an insider who has direct experience with it. According to that insider, those journalists selected for the program will get a text from a random number (one of Hunter Biden’s many cellphones) telling them to head to a certain ice cream parlor in DC that will remain nameless.
Greeting them in a private room in the ice cream shop is the President. Upon their arrival at the location, the journalist or journalists will be asked to “go get a scoop to get a scoop” and are instructed by a guy leaning against the counter to order the “scoop of the day.” It’s whatever flavor Biden wants for the meeting, normally rum raisin or chocolate.
If the journo does that correctly, then he or she is then allowed to return to the room with the president and put the ice cream on the table. Biden then, to avoid bribery accusations, asks if he can “have a bite” and pulls out a massive spoon with which his “bite” can be the entire bowl of ice cream.
After he is done with his “bite,” the journalist is then allowed to ask as many questions as scoops of ice cream they bought. That has, according to the insider, led to absurd scenes of Biden eating gallons of ice cream at a time while journalists pepper him with questions about everything from tensions inside the White House to where they can meet Hunter’s crack dealers.
The program would probably have remained covert, as Hunter was using a CCP master spy to arrange the thing and they easily outsmarted America’s incompetent CIA, FBI, and DIA officials, all of whom remain focused on the Jan. 6th “insurrection”, but details of the “scoops for scoops” program were discovered by Newsweek after people noticed the president had been gaining an immense amount of weight relatively quickly. Turns out eating gallons of ice cream a day while sitting around spilling the beans about the White House is less than ideal from a health perspective.
Dr. Jill has forced Biden to halt the program, though she insists it’s because he was “too tired” and not about his weight; having to bow to the left on the “healthy at any size” issue, she has been prevented from criticizing Brandon for getting fat.