NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
What should Americans who are worried that leftist gun control proposals do to defend themselves from violent criminals and thugs of the sort that roam free in leftist-controlled cities? According to President Joe Biden, who just gave a widely derided speech in which he tried to defend his gun control proposals, the answer is that they should “just hire private security.”
Speaking on that in the Rose Garden while surrounded by dozens of armed men carrying everything from select-fire machine pistols like the MP7 to man-portable anti-aircraft missiles (MANPADS), President Biden said:
“Listen, folks, I get that you want to be safe when you go outside and go for a jog, walk in the park, or to the grocery store. Whatever you do, it makes sense that you don’t want to be attacked. I get it.
“But that doesn’t mean you need to own a gun. Heck no! Guns are dangerous. They shoot people. Crazies like my son Hunter use them for crimes or despite not being legally allowed to own them. That’s no good, so we need to take them from people that are legally allowed to own them. Get it, Jack?!
“This is important, so we’re gonna…we…we will, well, you get it: no more AR-14s!
“And if you’re worried about staying safe, it ain’t that hard. It really isn’t. So just hire private security! That’s what Hunter did; how do you think he stayed safe while roaming around all those crack houses. That’s what all the billionaires do. You think Elon or Zuckerberg are wandering around without armed guards? Heck no!
“So just do that if you’re so worried. Just hire a few guys who are allowed to own guns to protect you. Makes total sense.”
Most Americans, however, cannot hire private security, particularly when it comes to going about everyday life. Hiring a private security firm like Triple Canopy can cost hundreds of dollars an hour, if not more, putting it firmly out of the reach of the ordinary American.
Biden was not dissuaded by that fact, however, even when confronted by it when walking to an armored helicopter, Marine One, while surrounded by dozens of armed guards. Asked what those unable to afford private security should do after he bans guns, Biden said:
“Why would anyone want to rob a poor person. Doesn’t make sense, Jack.”
He then walked away and refused to take any other questions.
His new press secretary, Karine Jean-Pierre, was similarly unable to answer questions about Biden’s private security plan, saying when asked by Peter Doocy by it that Biden wanted to “protect the lives of BIPOC Americans from white supremacist violence,” ignoring that those in high-crime, minority-dominated areas of America’s cities are often the ones most impacted by violent crime, and thus those most in need of being able to defend themselves.