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Biden To Give Speeches in Spanish after Latest Speech Goes Terribly

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Brandon’s latest attempt at speaking didn’t go well. In fact, it went terribly, with the crowd laughing at him as he tried to muddle his way through a pretty simple sentence. Watch that here:

    Here’s what he was supposedly saying:

    This law also caps out-of-pocket drug costs for seniors on Medicare at a maximum of $2,000 a year, no matter what drug you have to take. Total. (Applause.)

    And a lot of you know we’re making real progress in my cancer initiative. Cancer drugs, though, can cost up to 10-, 12-, $14,000 a year. But you’re never going to have to pay — next year — more than $2,000 a year for all the drugs you consume. (Applause.)

    Plus, if drug companies raise prices faster than inflation rises, they’ll have to pay Medicare back the difference. And guess what? It’s not only fair, it reduces the deficit when you do that.

    He also told a creepy story about a nurse who would breathe on him, telling the crowd:

    I had a nurse named Pearl Nelson. She’d come in and do things I don’t think you learn in nursing school. She’d whisper in my ear, I couldn’t understand her, but she’d whisper and she’d lean down and actually breathe on me to make sure there was a human connection.

    So that was a disaster. It led to his being mocked, was hardly confidence-inspiring for nations abroad looking to the US for leadership, and made him look even dumber than people already think he is.

    So the White House had to come up with something else to do, since Biden now can’t be trusted to speak in English well, or even look half-sentient when trying to muddle his way through a paragraph on the teleprompter without telling a creepy story or stumbling over each and every word.

    What’d they decide on doing? Now Brandon will be giving his speeches in Spanish. According to the ruling elite, that’ll both make Biden look “diverse” and will cover up for his inability to speak English. Plus, when he inevitably stumbles over his words, he can claim it’s because he’s “learning the language” rather than because he’s senile and doesn’t have two brain cells to rub together.

    Biden proudly announced the language change on Twitter, saying “From now on, all the presidential speeches will be in Spanish rather than English. That’s to honor the rich Hispanic heritage of much of America and show the world that we in the United States are proud to be one with the Global South and aren’t represented by those MAGA Republican racists.”

    Biden then was skewered by Republicans for seemingly missing the fact that Spanish comes from Spain, not the “Global South.”

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