NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Following the Supreme Court’s decision to release Dobbs and, in it, remove the right to abortion by finding it to not be a fundamental right, thus returning the issue to the states and overturning Roe and Casey, Biden’s handlers had to take dramatic action to keep him in charge of the wokies.
That they did by snatching his “cheat card” (picture of the old cheat cart viewable below) out of his hands and replaced it with another one that better reflects the current circumstances so that he would be doing at least semi-relevant things rather than whatever was on the card or floating around in his empty skull.
Biden’s sad sad cheat card..We are Screwed pic.twitter.com/8tqHYBjLYD
— M Sully (@MSully57147842) June 24, 2022
The new one got rid of all of those directions and now, according to a leak within the White House, just says “mumble angrily about abortion no longer being a right thanks to ‘right wing radicals’ on the Supreme Court. Stand or sit as necessary. Do until Jill comes to get you.”
Supposedly, according to the same leak, Biden was also told that if he used the term “Ultra MAGA” more than once or twice then he would be given an extra helping of chocolate chips in his oatmeal the next morning.
And so he got up on stage, and, quickly taking a seat behind the podium, started mumbling about abortion rights and how terrible the Supreme Court is, “other than that Mexican woman” (by which he probably meant Justice Sotomayor, the ‘wise Latina) for daring to change the current abortion regime.
Staffers then arrived on the stage and moved the podium so that Biden could be seen by the crowd.
The crowd, however, quickly overwhelmed Biden by asking questions, such as if he would push for a Constitutional Amendment that would ensure abortion was available everywhere.
Biden was overwhelmed and just started yelling “Ultra MAGA” over and over again until “Dr.” Jill arrived on stage and rescued him, leading him away from the confused and annoyed reporters. Presumably, Biden will be getting the chocolate chips for his oatmeal, as he yelled “Ultra MAGA about a dozen times before he was saved.
The administration then refused to comment any more about the recent SCOTUS decision, claiming that Biden was “formulating a tough but fair response” to the situation, which could mean that he’s napping or could mean that he plans on packing the court.
“Dr.” Jill, however, said that she was, “as a doctor, horrified” by the Dobbs decision, which she found to be “anti-science” and “detestable”, though she seemingly couldn’t remember the word “Dobbs” and so just kept calling it that case.
Meanwhile, as Dr. Jill made a fool of herself and Biden demanded early payment of his chocolate chips, America burned, with crazy leftists burning down cities and assaulting people they assumed to be Republicans around the country.