NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Biden’s FBI recently raided Trump’s Mar-a-Lago home and even, as he lamented in a “Save America” statement, broke into his safe, presumably taking the contents of it for their “investigation” into his not being a steadfast supporter of Brandon.
Despite the horrible, banana republic-like optics raid, however, the FBI refused to comment, seemingly embarrassed by what happened.
Now we know why, and no, it’s not that somewhat over at the FBI finally developed a conscience and decided that what they had done was absolutely beyond the pale, though that would be nice.
Rather, it turns out that they were embarrassed that they found nothing of value in the safe: far from being filled with incriminating papers, the safe was just full of Trump’s favorite action movies from the 1980s. We have it on good authority that “Red Dawn” and “Top Gun” were both in there, though what other VHS tapes of his favorite movies were locked away has not been disclosed or leaked by a whistleblower.
Trump hinted at the movie situation in a Truth Social post, saying: “What did the idiots over at that corrupt agency think? That I kept a bunch of incriminating papers in the most obvious place ever? Please, give me a break! All they “found” was a bunch of nothing, though I will be very bored until they return those contents! Quite angry!”
The FBI, pressured to comment on what was going on, decided to announce it was taking a “Federal Donut Day” holiday so that all its agents could “have the day off and enjoy a nice donut”. The real reason for the day off was that no one would be at the office to answer the huge number of phone calls and emails coming in that are regarding the incident.
A leak within America’s Stasi did, however, say that the agency was very embarrassed by what happened, telling “Vice”:
“I don’t know why we assumed Trump would keep incriminating information in the safe of his famous house. That seems kinda dumb looking back on it. But, anyway, Wray was convinced that that’s what was going on, so there was a big raid staged that luckily didn’t turn out like Waco, but now we’ve blown our last shred of credibility with like half the country and got nothing in return.
“I mean, like all that was in there was a cardboard box full of VHS tapes. That’s it. And they weren’t even pornos or something else like that that we could use to embarrass Trump. It was just a bunch of 80s action movies that he must have really liked. What’s worse, they were all in their original packaging, so we couldn’t even claim that he pirated them! What a waste of raid. And now like 70 million Americans want to wring our necks.”