NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such;
A lesson that anyone who uses the internet for business should have learned long ago is that if you leave a poll or vote open where the random, anonymous voters can say and vote for whatever they want, you’ll get a ridiculous result.
Unfortunately, many businesses are still staffed by people who have no idea what they’re doing on the internet, so many “submit/vote for x” online polls end in disaster, particularly if the results are public.
Such was the case with a new documentary about Hunter Biden and the Biden family, a documentary commissioned by the DNC in the hope that it would draw on American heartstrings in the runup to the 2022 midterms.
Thought the creation of the documentary more or less went off without a hitch, as it was pretty easy to find content that makes one feel bad for Joe because of what he has to put up with from Hunter and his other scheming family members, the naming situation was another story.
That went poorly because the documentary director left the naming of it up to the internet, with a website for it hosting a voting option that let users insert whatever title they wanted and then vote on the one they thought was best, with zero moderation or oversight.
As could be expected, the gentlemen over at 4chan quickly got ahold of it and started coming up with their own titles and voting, much to the chagrin of the filmmakers. Here are the top five results, or at least what the top 5 results were before the vote was shut down:
- POTUS Needs SCOTUS: Hunter’s Legal Problems
- “Mama, Where’s Daddy?”: The Sad Tale of Hunter’s Missing Bastard
- Crack Is Whack: Look at Hunter’s Rotted Teeth
- Dog Faced Pony Soldier: The Memorable Tale of Biden’s Bravest Bagman
- Behind the “Big Man”: The Inside Scoop on Hunter’s Chinese Checks
There were other results, but they were too vulgar to print.
Joe, infuriated by the result, ordered the poll shut down and the documentary retitled “Joe from Scranton: The…” Biden fell asleep before sending them a new title, unable to keep his eyes open long enough to type a full sentence, so, per the contract, the filmmakers were forced to send it to theaters with the “POTUS Needs SCOTUS” title even though it a) didn’t make much sense, as the Supreme Court is hardly going to get involved in a tax payment probe and b) makes Joe look bad.
When Joe woke up, he was furious but then quickly distracted by a juice box while various staffers screamed at DNC officials on the phone.
Hunter couldn’t be reached for comment, as he was busy being a depraved lunatic and causing yet more problems for Slow Joe, his staffers, and SCOTUS to deal with in the coming days. His crack dealer, however, could be reached and simply said that his Hunter relationship was “lucrative” right now, but not as lucrative as Hunter’s contacts in China.