NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Billionaire Bill Gates just took another step to enforce his climate agenda, buying water bottling giant “Dasani” and replacing its fresh spring water with his (in)famous “reclaimed poop water”, which he claims is far better for the environment than normal person water.
Describing why he did so in a statement to MSNBC, Gates said, while eating a bag of canola-fried cockroaches that Klaus Schwab had made for him and delivered to him, that:
“So most water bottlers just collect water from springs, put it in the bottles and ship it off. That’s fine, I guess, but very wasteful. No one needs to consume all that fresh water, water that’s not even been used once! It just seemed so wasteful to me.
“But I’m a billionaire, so I can fix such things, and I did so. I took that giant thing I built that reclaims water from human waste, thus creating a very good fertilizer and totally drinkable water, and paid stadiums, restaurants, and other large facilities, such as airports, to install the contraptions in their restrooms.
“We then send electric trucks or natural gas-powered trucks around to collect the reclaimed water each day, and it is sent on electric trains to our big bottling facility. There we use recycled plastic to produce the bottles, the whole plant running on solar power, of course, and bottle the reclaimed poop water.
“It might still smell a bit weird because of all the chlorine and such we have to put in it, but it’s perfectly drinkable!”
Gates then said that he’s planning on buying out all other bottlers so that he can enforce his vision of what water Americans should be drinking on everyone, or at least everyone who drinks bottled water.
In what might be the one saving grace for Americans that need to buy a bottle of water, the plant is very unprofitable, as the solar power used for it only works when it’s very sunny out, so there are few bottles of the poop water sold as of yet.
Further, Deer Creek has so far refused to sell the company to Gates, instead relabeling their water bottles “not Bill Gates’ poop water”. Since the Gates interview and the Deer Creek name change, Deer Creek’s sales have jumped through the roof, with sales in one month alone doubling all sales from 2015-2021.
Gates has fought back against any allegations by carrying a bottle of the water with him at all times and drinking it when on camera, if there’s always a bit of a grimace on his face as he does so.
Private Investigators hired by Deer Creek, however, snapped a few now-viral photos of him drinking the “not Bill Gates’ poop water” when in private, something that has hurt his brand tremendously.