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Bill Gates Shocked to Learn that No One Will Voluntarily Buy His Cockroach-Based Bug Juice

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Bill Gates is a close friend of WEF supervillain-in-chief Klaus Schwab, the infamous “eat ze bugs” guy. As such, Bill, typically a fan of the fake meat diet over the bug meat diet, has gradually come around to Klaus’ cockroach and mosquito-based diet plans.

    Taking advantage of his newfound knowledge to try and get in on “the market” before it’s saturated with plenty of bug-based goodies, Bill decided to get in on the bug food craze with his own sports drink.

    Based around ground-up cockroach innards and Gates’ sewer-reclaimed water, he sunk $20 billion of his money into the project, one he promised himself and his investors that would lead to massive returns not seen since the early days of Microsoft’s massive success.

    His technicians spent hour after hour at the lab, testing every conceivable flavor combination in the hope of making the vile-smelling cocktail taste like something other than sewer-water mixed with cockroach innards.

    Finally, after all the billions of dollars in spent funds, they found something that worked. Using soy to make the mixture have more of a yogurt consistency, they then filled it with off-brand soda syrup, carbonated the soupy mixture, shook up the mixture, heated it, and strained it.

    What resulted was a yellowish-brown mixture that tasted vaguely like fried soda syrup and had the consistency of flat soda with some grit in it.

    Confident that that was the best thing they could possibly produce, they sent it to Bill for testing, saying it was all they could come up with. Slapping a label on the side of the brown mixture that said “made from recycled wastewater”, Gates proudly branded the dring “Bill’s Bug Blast” and sent pallets of it to every supermarket in America.

    Most donated it to homeless shelters near-immediately, deciding that they didn’t want to mess up the reputation of their stores by selling Hepatitis in a bottle. The homeless shelters also through it away near-immediately, as they also didn’t want to get caught feeding people Bill’s weird bug juice or literal poop water.

    However, a few stores, mainly of the granola variety, did try selling it. What they learned was that people wanted to virtue-signal their love for the environment by carrying around the $10 bottles of bug juice, they had trouble splurging on the absolutely disgusting liquid, rightly seeing it as both gross and likely injurious to their health.

    So, Bill lost billions on the project, but still hasn’t learned his lesson. Having fully bought into Schwab’s woke, bug-loving diet agenda, he can’t let the issue go and has been sinking billions more in the development of “bug blast lite,” which he pledges will have far less live hepatitis bacteria in it, double the cockroach parts, and five times the soy and sugar. Sure sounds healthy and delicious!

    North Korea is apparently interested in being the “test market” for the drink, needing to import whatever free calories it can get. Bill and Klaus are encouraging the rest of the world to be more like the Norks.

    By: Gen Z Conservative, editor of Follow me on Parler and Gettr

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