NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Joe Biden got the angriest he’s been in a long while on Tuesday, April 27th, when he wandered off to his favorite napping spot, a bunk bed in the nuclear bunker under the White House, a place he calls the “quiet spot,” and found that his favorite blanket was missing.
There were other, identical ones there, but he noticed that his was missing because none said “Joe” on them. He’d scrawled that in all-capital letters on one blanket with a sharpie weeks before, so he was certain that the blanket was missing.
Storming back upstairs, Biden barged into a meeting happening in the West Wing and started screaming, slamming the door shut and glaring at the random people in the room, most of whom were having their first meeting in the White House, and saying “Now who’s gonna tell me where it is?”
Confused, one said, “where what is, sir?”
Biden, firing back, said “Oh, so that’s the sort of game you’re gonna play? Well I can play hardball too. Guess who controls all the lists. ME! Want to fly? I can stop that from happening. Like your Twitter following? I can make that disappear. Love your wife? I’ll send Hunter to seduce her. Now tell me where it is!”
Quaking with fear, the poor consultant, there to discuss how to improve Biden’s “likability”, simply muttered “I’m gay.”
That sparked a flurry of yells in the room, each of the terrified staffers worried that Biden would delete their cherished Twitter followings if he thought that they were the guilty party who had taken whatever it was that he had obviously lost.
Biden, not letting it go, said “Well Hunter bats both ways, so he’ll find that boyfriend of yours too. Or whatever y’all call each other. Now one of you tell me, where is it? I need my nap!”
With that, one of the men in the room who knew Biden for the longest and had confronted him about the nap situation before, said “I think I know where we can find that, sir, if you’ll come with me. One of those right-wing infiltrators hid it to play a prank on you, but I think I caught them and got the blanket all .”
The smart staffer then led Biden from the room by the elbow, and took him to the laundry room, where a blanket was just coming out of the dryer, “JEO” scrawled onto it in big block letters.
Biden ran to it, felt its warmth when rubbing it up against his face, and then fell asleep on the floor of the room, wrapping it around him like a shawl.
Returning to the room, the staffer sat back down and, sighing and taking a long drag from a cigarette, said “Okay, now how are we gonna stop the country from thinking that that guy’s senile?”