NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
After biding his time following Biden’s FBI raiding the Trump family’s Mar-a-Lago residence, the Biden FBI going after all the Trump allies it can get its hands on, and some random sheriff in Texas announcing that he’s investigating DeSantis for being almost as bad and mean as the very bad and mean orange man, DeSantis has finally decided to strike back.
How so? What’s he doing? He’s hitting Biden hard with an investigation meant to do exactly what the FBI’s investigation was supposed to do to Trump: make him look bad, whatever the reality of the underlying claims. Specifically, his Florida Bureau of Investigation will by prying into Joe Biden’s life as a child sniffer and determining what, if any, crimes he has committed.
Announcing that during a press conference held in Brandon, Florida, DeSantis said:
“This state of affairs has gone on for far, far too long. We Americans have let a creepy old man that, if certain rumors and bits of evidence are true, is a pedophile, run the country. That’s intolerable, unacceptable, and I’m going to do something about it.
“I mean, just look at what Ashley Biden’s diary says. I’m going to quote from the National File, which supposedly saw the diary. So here we go:
“‘The diary, which includes passages in which Ashley Biden describes her troubles with sex addiction, drug addiction, and potential childhood molestation, and “probably not appropriate” showers she shared with her father Joe Biden when she was a little girl. Regardless of the explosive allegations, the diary was ignored by the majority of the media.’
Yikes. I mean, that’s just awful. Awful, awful, awful. So we have to do something about it, we can’t let this guy prey on girls anymore.
As such, I have directed the Florida Bureau of Investigation to start looking into the matter. They are reaching out to sources, journalist, even family members of Slow Joe to see if the allegations that he’s a pedophile have any veracity.
“If they do, which is what sadly appears to be the case, then that means the Florida Bureau of Investigation will have to proceed to step two of the investigation, which is finding out if anyone Biden has molested is under Florida’s jurisdiction. Right now there are a few who we believe are, but we won’t get into that until it’s the proper time to do so. For starters, I have directed that the agents obtain a copy of the Ashley Biden diary and interview both her and President Biden regarding the incident. We will let you know how it proceeds from here at the appropriate time, thank you.”
Biden didn’t help things after the fact when, tweeting about the investigation, he said “But it was only a sniff.” Gross.