NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
New inflation data is in and it’s not good news. In fact, it’s the worst news since June of 2022. Such is what was reported by the AP, which said:
Friday’s report from the Commerce Department showed that consumer prices rose 0.6% from December to January, up sharply from a 0.2% increase from November to December. On a year-over-year basis, prices rose 5.4%, up from a 5.3% annual increase in December.
Excluding volatile food and energy prices, so-called core inflation rose 0.6% from December, up from a 0.4% rise the previous month. And compared with a year earlier, core inflation was up 4.7% in January, versus a 4.6% year-over-year uptick in December.
The report also showed that consumer spending rose 1.8% last month from December after falling the previous month.
But Team Biden didn’t just accept that and pledge to do better. Instead, President Slow Joe Biden has been desperate for good news, so he tried to make the most of it and claim that things were going great. How’d he justify that? By saying that inflation “makes profits go up.”
He said as much when speaking to reporters while walking from the White House to Marine Force One. Speaking to them about the inflation data and his administration’s response, he said:
“Now lookie here, Jack…this is good news, not bad! Heck yeah I know the numbers were high, I’m not a dog-faced pony soldier! But that isn’t bad news. No sirree, not at all. Lemme tell ya why, Jack: it’s because profits go up.
“Yes, you heard that right. Inflation makes profits go up up up. It’s simple, see. What happens is prices go up, which means companies are charging more. If they’re charging more, that means their profits are higher. $100 is bigger than $50, isn’t it?!”
“But Mr. President,” one reporter asked, “isn’t that just a nominal profit? If prices going into those product costs also increase, doesn’t that mean real profits are either the same or down?”
Biden couldn’t handle that much thinking and seemed to short out. Standing stock still while staring at the reporter, he kept opening and closing his mouth without a word coming out. He then shut his mouth, spun on his heels, and stalked off without saying another word.
The news then proceeded to try and cover up Biden’s remarks on inflation and tried labeling any story on his idiotic remarks “disinformation.” Those attempts then came to a screeching halt after the video of Biden’s remarks was leaked by a disgruntled CNN staffer who was furious with the network for not firing Don Lemon after the infamous Nikki Haley segment.
CNN apologized for the “racism” and “privilege” of its renegade staffer, but once the video was out the narrative shifted and Biden was in serious trouble yet again.