NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Someone in a big Wall Street trading firm must have thought it would be funny to have Slow Joe Biden appear in the trading floor of the New York Stock Exchange for a pre-trading day speech, as his giving a speech at the venue was arranged by his staff (a staff which many DC insiders say is not up to the task of reconciling his limited mental abilities with the many requests for him to appear) for Thursday morning.
But, predictably, Biden showed up late. Apparently, there was a mix-up in the White House kitchen and his morning grapefruit juice couldn’t be found, so someone had to run across the street and buy some for him, bring it to him on White House china (Dr. Jill’s insistence), and then he spilled it all over his suit and had to redress.
So he showed up late and trading had to be halted so that he could give his brief speech. But he was flustered by all the activity that was occurring when he walked in, and so had trouble remembering what he was supposed to say about this being a “historic buying opportunity” in the stock and bond markets because America was posed for “rocket like growth under his administration” and the economy would be “back on track” after those “reactionary Trump holdovers” were removed.
Instead, a flustered, confused Brandon saw all the ticker tape and started rambling about World War II, complaining that “soldiers don’t look as cool any more” because that “a**hole Truman integrated the Armed Forces” and now “Cornpop is wreaking havoc behind the front lines.”
Scratching his head while staring back at all the traders who were now looking at him with mouths agape as Dr. Jill Biden tugged on his sleeve and tried to pull him from the microphone, Biden then remembered that he was supposed to talk about stocks with those at the event.
And so he did, blaming Cornpop for the recent downturn, saying:
“I know you guys are pissed because of all the market downturns. Heck, I’m mad! My portfolio just ain’t what it was when Trump was in charge, so you can bet I’m pretty darn mad about that doo. But it ain’t my administration’s fault, Jack!
“Nope, not our fault at all. I’ll tell you who did it: Cornpop. My old nemesis from the pool is back and he’s working with the Russians to tank our stock market. Luckily I’ve got the NSA on it, and they’re working with the CIA to take him out. So don’t worry, Joe’s ready to get the markets back in the green!”
News broke later in the day that a CIA kill team had knocked off some random drug dealer in Chicago that went by the name “Corn pop” on the steet.