NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Speaking to reporters for the first time in days after emerging from the White House basement in the morning, America’s senile Resident-in-Chief, President Slow Joe Biden, blamed Cornpop, who he reminded everyone is a “bad dude” for Democrat defeats across the country on Tuesday, saying:
“Look, folks, a lot of people are blaming my team, my…uhhhhhh..you know, folks, Jack, well, you know…the thing. Administramataion! They’re…anyway, they’re blaming us for a few setbacks in these big races.
“It’s only dog faced pony soldiers that say that though, Jack, let me tell you what. We’ve done lots for the American people. Remember all those things? That was us! Gas is down 20 cents since some time ago! Ain’t that good?! And with no more drilling, ain’t gonna happen. That’s us too!
“And what about your kids getting the transgender surgery they need? You can thank us Democrats for making sure school nurses have puberty blockers to hand out to tomboys and such. Makes total sense, Jack, and it’s all us you can thank.
“So we’re doin great. Very popular. In fact, if it weren’t for all that misinformation on social media…on the app that African American guy owns now, well, if it weren’t spreading like chlamydia at Hunter’s house, then we would have won big. Really big, like 98 seats in the House alone, Jack!
“And who was it that was spreading all that misinformation about Democrats and helping the Republicans? Wasn’t who you’d expect. It was this not very clean, not very articulate black guy that I have a bit of a history with: Cornpop. Cornpop the bad dude.
“Yeah, we suspect he’s managing millions upon millions of all these disinformation accounts that are saying things like I’m responsible for inflation! How am I supposed to be to blame? I buy a few grapefruits and boxes of oatmeal to eat a week, Jack! That’s it! Well, that and a few trillion in spending. But inflation’s holding level, so it’s pretty much defeated, Jack! Let me tell ya. So that’s what we’re doing. And we’re gonna make sure as heck, lemme tell ya, sure as heck, that Cornpop can’t do this again.”
Biden’s stimulants then appeared to run out, as he started babbling about the proper ratio of prune juice to milk to put in a bowl with some oats before microwaving it, which sounded gross to most present, who drifted away as he went on and on about it until Dr. Jill found him and led him away by the ear while yelling about him not being supposed to “talk without a script” to the “camera people”.