NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Things went less than well for President Slow Joe Biden when he bizarrely decided to splurge on a new presidential limo, but instead of going with a tried and true gas guzzler went with the new, EV version of the famous “Beast” presidential transport. Rumor has it he bought that because a GM executive had bailed out Hunter when he was arrested buying crack in Detroit, and GM made a much larger profit on the EV “Beast” because of tax credits for EV production.
But while Brandon brags about “reducing pollution” by traveling in an EV limo…when tailed by 17 gas guzzling SUVs full of Secret Service agents, followed by a jet-fuel burning helicopter squadron, and backing up traffic, most of which is forced to burn gas and idle…it turns out that the EV “Beast” is even less useful than a normal EV.
Why? Because of its immense weight. The thing weighs about 7 tons thanks to all the armored steel plating, multi-inch thick glass that can stop a RPG round, and mine-proof steel underbelly. That land-dreadnought-like armor, particularly when combined with the massive battery necessary to pull the thing around, makes the car incredibly heavy. One Secret Service agent, commenting to us on the EV Beast’s weight, joked that Biden might as well travel around in a Cold War-era Sheridan light tank with all the damage the EV Beast’s bulk does to DC’s roads.
But, in any case, the weight isn’t just problematic from a highway repair perspective. It also makes the EV limo useless if Brandon plans on going more than a block or two away from his starting point, as the overstrained battery has trouble dragging the car more than a couple of miles on a full charge. 7 miles, to be exact.
The Biden White House, asked if a car that can go 7 miles was worth the $7 million price tag, making it more expensive than an M1A3 Abrams main battle tank with all the bells and whistles developed during the Iraq War, responded by saying that it is “committed to reducing presidential emissions” and “takes climate change seriously, unlike the reactionary, pro-fossil fuel Trump Administration.” It declined to comment on if Biden actually uses the EV Beast despite its limited range.
GM, however, did comment when pressed on whether the beast of an EV Beast was useful, saying that it is were “confident” a “new model with a bigger battery” could be produced next year that will be able to go “twice as far as the Mark I EV Beast”…which would be 14 miles. GM did, however, add that the Mark 2 version will cost a whopping $14 million.