NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
In an event that was utterly unshocking to anyone who’s been paying attention to what’s been going on with President Slow Joe Brandon, his nasty ice cream habit, and his inability to even semi-function when out in public and off his meds for more than a few minutes at a time, President Biden just crashed the presidential limo while attempting to drive it to get ice cream.
The White House hushed up the incident, saying that a Secret Service agent crashed it after swerving to “heroically avoid hitting a trans black-Latino woman who was pregnant and converting to Islam who had stepped into the road to save a trans baby that had been pushed in front of the limo by a white man in a MAGA hat yelling ‘this is MAGA country.'”
No one believed that explanation, however, as it was delivered by Jussie Smollett and KJP during a joint appearance of theirs on Trevor Noah’s “The Daily Show”. And so rumors swirled until a Secret Service agent spoke out saying:
“Yeah, it wasn’t our fault. We know how to brake a car and not crash…and the Beast has crash avoidance systems installed, regardless. So that’s not what happened, as should have been obvious.
“What was really going on was that Brandon wanted ice cream but Dr. Jill wouldn’t let him have any because he’s gained about 12 pounds over the past few weeks. He says that was because of the Thanksgiving turkey rather than ‘God’s dairy delight’, but he’s been having a few gallons a day…so everyone knows it’s the ice cream.
“Anyway, Biden really wanted some ice cream. So he grabbed the keys to the limo…and we still have no idea where he got those from, and wandered off to the garage. He somehow managed to drive off without anyone noticing and without a police or Secret Service escort, and made it about a block before plowing into a food truck serving tacos.
“He then popped out and, this is not a joke, walked to the truck right by that one, but a banana split, and was sitting there eating it when we figured out what was going on and rushed to him. That was a pretty funny sight, to be honest, especially when he dropped the hot fudge all over the front of his shirt. We then paid the guy whose truck he ruined with a fist-sized diamond Hunter had just brought back from China and rushed back to the White House. Luckily it was a nasty day in DC, so no one was really out and about to notice and catch a video of the whole incident.”
“We now keep the keys locked up,” the agent added as an afterthought while chuckling at the thought of Biden’s ice cream disaster.