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Brandon Declares Illegal Immigration Was “Solved” by Not Calling Them Illegal Immigrants

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Giving examples of how the United States and Mexico have reached agreements that have “solved” the illegal immigration problem, President Joe Biden said:

    Today, President Andrés Manuel López Obrador of Mexico and U.S. Homeland Security Advisor Dr. Elizabeth Sherwood-Randall met in Mexico City to build on the successful migration initiative that President López Obrador and President Biden announced in January 2023. Following that meeting, the United States and Mexico are announcing a set of additional measures to address the humanitarian situation caused by unprecedented migration flows at our shared border and in the region.

    […]Third, Mexico recognized the great potential value of the regional processing centers that the United States announced last week, and discussed how Mexico can contribute to their effectiveness. The United States intends to welcome as many as 100,000 individuals from Honduras, Guatemala, and El Salvador under the family reunification parole processes that Secretary Mayorkas announced last week.

    Fourth, Mexico and the United States commit to continue the successful joint initiative that President López Obrador and President Biden announced in January 2023 beyond May 11, 2023. This initiative – which combines expanded legal pathways with consequences for irregular migration – achieved a 95 percent drop in border encounters at our shared border. Today, the United States committed to continue to welcome individuals from Cuba, Haiti, Nicaragua and Venezuela under our parole process. For its part, Mexico will continue to accept back migrants on humanitarian grounds.

    Continuing on that point, Biden said, “Yeah, you heard me, Jack. That’s right. What we did is we stopped calling it illegal immigration! Now it’s the self-initiated legal pathways program, Jack, and illegal immigration down like 99%. The only people we’re stopping now are those that look like white racists. They’re still not welcome here, this is a place of diversity and brother love, man, not even more white people like me. Gotta keep em out, that’s just the way it is.

    “So, now we don’t have illegal immigrants.  they’re down a ton. Now we’re welcoming individuals into the country, so they ain’t illegal any more. All those people from Venezuela or wherever are nice folks. My racist predecessor wanted to keep them out because they don’t have permits, but I aint’ gonna do that. No way, Jack. This an anti-racist administration, so we’re welcoming in everyone that needs it.

    “For example, last month there were like 500,000 people that crossed the border. Trump woulda kept em out! Kept them starving somewhere instead of in this bright land o plenty! We ain’t gonna do that, Jack. Nope, we’re gonna welcome them in and then there’s no more illegal immigration. Now they get some snacks, some water, some clothes, and some cash and are transported to a community near you so that you and your community can be blessed by diversity.”

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