NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Dr. Jill Biden, Brandon’s wife and effectively his nurse, was out of town visiting some friends over the weekend and had left her senile husband in the care of his security detail.
Biden, who asked why “his nurse” was leaving when Dr. Jill left, was told that she had to “get him some ice cream.”
Acting quickly to curb his disappointment after the hours came and went without Dr. Jill returning with ice cream, the security detail rummaged up some big drums of ice cream from the White House kitchen freezer, saying that she’d “sent them as a surprise” and wanted him to have fun tasting the different flavors.
They then put on some Matlock reruns and left Biden in the nuclear bunker, his favorite TV watching and napping spot, with about 10 gallons of his favorite flavor that day: rum raisin ice cream.
Normally, the limited amount of rum in rum raisin ice cream isn’t near enough to get most people buzzed, let alone drunk.
But Biden hasn’t had a drink in years thanks to his mental condition, so his body’s tolerance for alcohol was nearly zero. And he had about 10 large bowls (three scoops) of the delicious ice cream.
So he got drunk and ran to the top of the stairs, falling a few times, yelling about how he wanted to play with his dog, Major. Major is currently in Delaware because he kept biting people.
But then he saw DeSantis mocking him on TV and went from being a happy drunk wanting to play with a dog to an angry drunk ready to take on DeSantis with the full might of the US military.
Specifically, Biden wanted to use the nuclear arsenal to teach the Governor a lesson, saying that “all those AR-15s” in Florida “won’t matter a lick from a dog faced pony soldier” because “hydrogen bombs are real powerful, Jack!”
Nervous, his advisors said they didn’t think the ICBMs could be reprogrammed to target somewhere as close as Florida because they are programmed to fly over the North Pole and his Florida.
That distracted Biden, who then got worried that the “nukes might hit Santa” and ordered the military to review is nuclear war plans to “ensure Santa is safe” and “will still deliver presents if the bombs get dropped.”
Then, getting sleepy as the rum wore off and the gallons of ice cream in his stomach started to weigh on him, Biden fell asleep and forgot about the nuclear strike idea. He was very confused when he woke up and General Milley was telling him our nuclear arsenal posed no risk to Santa Claus.