NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Taking action to stop falling cryptocurrency prices and attempt to restore some liquidity for Sam Bankman-Fried’s FTX as it collapses under the weight of all the money SBF stole from it and regulators probing its books, President Joe Biden and SBF united for a press conference in which they announced the creation and release of “ice cream coin”.
Describing the new cryptocurrency in utterly undecipherable mumbo jumbo as Brandon nodded along and Dr. Jill attempted to feed him blueberries, SBF said:
“Now this is a very exciting, very innovative new venture that we believe will improve the public trust and faith in proof of stake and proof of work blockchains by using green-energy powered, on chain cryptography in an ice-cream backed ecosystem to develop a new way of paying for dairy products and dairy-based non-fungible ice cream cones. President Biden has committed the US Treasury to investing $15 billion in US reserves in the ice cream cone blockchain ecosystem, so we believe that there is large room for ice cream ecosystem upside as we invest in this public-private partnership.”
SBF then added that FTX had liquidated the remaining FTX tokens not by selling them, but by trading them to the Treasury in exchange for 5 million ice cream coins that it had already “churned” (which they’re apparently using instead of “minted” or “mined” because of the ice cream theme of the coin). The Treasury used 5 million of the 17 million coins it had bought from FTX for that trade, making it quite lucrative for FTX, as the price was high. The Treasury then bought the five million ice cream coins back from FTX, solving the company’s liquidity issues by effectively handing it billions of dollars.
Biden tried to speak on the matter but obviously had no idea what he was talking about, so he mostly just mumbled about nonsense and how he promises to “give the nuclear football to someone else” if he gets drunk off rum-raisin ice cream again.
The Ukraine’s Volodomir Zelensky then jumped in to announce that his nation would be “investing” the remainder of its reserves in “ice cream coin,” with all the Senators, Congressmen, and PACs that SBF and his fellow FTX executives donated to announcing that they would also be purchasing “as much ice cream coin as they could get their hands on.”
So SBF’s donations (he was the second biggest donor for the Biden campaign and contributed huge sums to Democrat causes in 2022), paid off, as the Establishment’s embracing of ice cream coin means he now is out of trouble and was able to rescue FTX from its collapse.