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Brandon’s Ice Cream Subsidy Lands Him in Hot Water with Milk “Alternatives” Producers, Which are Major Dem Donors

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    President Slow Joe Biden recently made waves by announcing that his administration would be subsidizing the ice cream industry, declaring that the sugary treat would receive a dollar per gallon subsidy so that all Americans could afford to have it whenever they wanted and keep their calorie count up as food gets more expensive.

    Following up on that, Biden’s press secretary attempted to make the program look like something other than just a blatant attempt to keep the Biden family’s costs down by subsidizing the president’s favorite food group, declaring that the program would actually subsidize the dairy industry and a “side effect of it” would be the decrease in ice cream prices.

    Speaking on that, Karine Jean-Pierre said:

    “So, ummm, despite the misinformation from right wing outlets, the new program is actually not a subsidy. Rather, it’s an attempt to support America’s hard-working dairy farmers despite these trying times.

    “The milk, cheese, and yes, ice cream, producers will all be affected by it. So ice cream will be, umm, in there. But it’s not, like, you know, the main thing. That’s just misinformation made to make the president look bad because everyone knows he loves ice cream.

    “So, like, yes, we want to help the dairy industry and will be doing so. But that’s because those folks are hard working Americans that need the help and Americans need to consume their products to stay healthy, not because of the president’s love of ice cream. So that’s very important to understand.”

    Though KJP’s clarification of what the policy would be doing did hide that the whole point of the thing would be to keep Biden’s costs down as he attempts to fund his ice cream habit and put it in everything from oatmeal to his multi-vitamin smoothie, it also had the negative side effect of infuriating the “milk alternative” industry, one of the DNC’s biggest donors.

    Ripping Team Biden apart for daring to suggest that dairy is healthy and necessary, the head of the “Council of Soy, Oat, and Almond Milk Producers” said:

    “We at SOAMP would like to correct a few misconceptions. The first is that dairy is healthy. It is not. Our industrial sludge byproduct, some watered down oil squeezed out of things that have lots of estrogen in them, is much healthier and is what you need to drink to avoid toxic masculinity.

    “The other is that the dairy industry is a good thing. It also is not. You should be supporting monocrop agriculture, not soil-enriching dairy activities, as those are, as the WEF has told us, very bad and mean to the animals.”

    The soy and oat milk industry donates billions to Democrats each year. Republicans do not drink those anti-testosterone products.

    By: Gen Z Conservative, editor of Follow me on Facebook and Subscribe to My Email List

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