NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Desperate to get gas prices pushed down in the months before midterms, willing to do anything to make his administration and party look better to voters as prices rise and people get angrier and angrier about the state of things, Biden might have just tried to bribe Saudi princes.
Such is what a transcript of a phone call provided to us by a source within the White House shows: according to it, Biden tried to find out if the sons of the Saudi king had any art projects like Hunter’s that he could buy in an effort to bribe their dad and get Aramco to pump more oil and ship it to America, which would lower prices.
Specifically, the transcript of Biden’s phone call to MBS, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, reads:
[Biden] “Hey, Jack. Hope things are good over there, not too hot or nothing…it’s nicer when it’s not too hot.
[MBS] “I have air conditioning, that doesn’t matter. What do you want? And my name is not ‘Jack,’ why do you keep calling me that?”
[Biden] “Just a saying, Jack, just a saying. Don’t get angry about that malarky. But, anyway, I was wondering if you and/or any of your…ummm…brothers, had any art for sale?”
[MBS] “We have people that do art. We do not. We are princes, not court jesters. Why do you want to buy art from us?”
[Biden] “Well, to tell ya the truth Jack, it worked so well for Hunter…I mean, um, I thought it might show the friendship of the United States and maybe help us convince you to pump more oil. Would it?”
[MBS] “We are princes with billions of dollars and you think a painting sold for a few thousand dollars would change our minds? You must be as foolish as your media says you are. No. No, a petty bribe like that would not even work on a cop in the Kingdom, much less one of the members of the House of Saud. It might work in your Mamon-loving country, but not ours. If you want the friendship of the Kingdom, just stop insulting us and let us pursue our foreign policy objectives in Yemen as we see fit. Why is that so hard?”
[Biden] “Can’t do that, Jack. But I can buy a painting, just got a new credit card from one of Hunter’s Chinese friends!”
At that point, it appears MBS hung up, furious with Biden and angry with how the conversation had gone. Biden, not taking the hint, tried calling back a few times, but MBS didn’t pick up.
Questioned about the phone call later, Team Biden said that Republicans were “hypocritical” in caring about “Biden’s bribery attempt” when they hadn’t cared about Trump’s supposed attempt to bribe the Ukraine. Trump commented that his phone call was “perfect” and Jim Jordan pledged to impeach Biden, but nothing has yet happened on that front.