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BREAKING: Biden Pledges to Provide Ukraine with Nuclear Weapons

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    President Joe Biden, during his recent trip to the Ukraine, left a note in Zelensky’s guest book. In it, he wrote ”

    I am honored to be welcomed again in Kyiv. I stand in solidarity and friendship with the freedom loving people of Ukraine. Mr. President, please accept my deepest respect for your courage and leadership. Slava Ukraini!

    The New York Post reported that Biden also pledged numerous weapons, saying:

    The president also pledged another $460 million in military assistance in the form of shells for howitzers, anti-tank missiles, air surveillance radars, night-vision devices and other aid — but no new advanced weaponry.

    “The Americans stand with you and the world stands with you,” Biden said after meeting Zelensky at Mariinsky Palace.

    He also tweeted about the trip to the Ukraine, saying “Kyiv has captured a part of my heart. I knew I would be back.

    Well, it turns out that when President Biden said “solidarity,” he actually meant “completely and totally going on with whatever you want” and the weapons he will provide aren’t limited to NVGs and rifles. As such, he decided to go all in on supporting the Ukrainian attempt to push Russians out of the eastern, ethnically Russian parts of the country.

    To do so, Biden has announced that he will provide the Ukrainian government with 15 tactical nuclear weapons. The bombs are not large enough to take out a city, as the strategic nuclear weapons that tip ICBMs are, but are large enough to blast a hole in the Russian line, evaporate a Russian military base, or take out a bunker complex.

    President Zelensky of Ukraine thanked Biden for the bombs in a statement, pledging to “use them to drive the pigs and orcs out of our beautiful country in the name of Bandera.” Bandera was a Nazi collaborator who is honored by the Ukrainian military.

    Zelensky then demanded that Biden also provide the Ukraine with strategic nuclear weapons, saying “all we need are 12 or so to turn Russian cities to dust” and fight off the enemy hordes.

    President Putin of the Russian Federation announced that he considered the actual provision of any nuclear weapons to the Ukrainians a “red line” and announced that if they were provided then he and the Russian nuclear forces would respond with “overwhelming force” to “crush NATO and the Ukrainians” before “the motherland succumbs to nuclear attack.”

    Biden responded by calling Putin’s statement “irresponsible” and claiming that NATO and the United States “desire nothing more than peace”.

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