NOTE: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such.
BLM’s leaders finally looked up from the flames of their most recent riot long enough to get a good look at a representation of an Easter bunny and what they saw horrified them.
The fur of the Easter bunny, you see, was white, which infuriated them. Releasing a blistering Easter statement from her $6 million mansion, BLM co-founder Patrisse Cullors said:
“Where are the brown rabbits? That’s right, they’re the ones you EAT! The white bunnies kids see are the fun ones, the ones hopping around and leaving Easter eggs for them to find. The brown ones? They’re taught to munch on those, to eat and destroy everything brown.
That is the sort of institutionalized white supremacy we’ve been informing people about for years, yet no one seems to care. Why? Because they’ve bought the lines of the white supremacists hook, line, and sinker. That “it’s just a rabbit” and “chocolate is brown” so we need to just “chill out.” Well we won’t! This white rabbit supremacy needs to end ASAP, or else Easter egg hunts are gonna feel our rage. We demand all chocolate Easter bunnies now be made of white chocolate and portrayals of the Easter bunny be brown.”
When asked why BLM couldn’t spend its millions on a brown Easter bunny campaign rather than a mansion, Patrice said “that’s racist” and then terminated the live stream.
Sensing an opportunity to both strike a blow for racial justice and hopefully get noticed by an NFL team, Colin Kaepernick then released a video of him form-tackling an Easter bunny during a Sunday brunch. It was, admittedly, a reasonably good tackle, but he messed up whatever chance he had of getting picked up when, afterward, he tried tossing rolls like footballs and only did a mediocre job of shot placement.
Speaking about why he’d want to go back to the NFL, the draft for which he once said was like slavery, he said:
“Yeah, well, that’s changed because now the bad orange man is gone and things ain’t racist no more.”
He appeared to be on the verge of going into a rant about his “lived experience,” but the Easter bunny had tracked him down and tackled him in a video that went viral. The man in the Easter bunny costume that the 49ers, Kaepernick’s old team, were impressed and picked him up for the next season.
BLM, remarking on the incident though the man inside the costume was black, said that it was “just another example of a white Easter bunny enforcing a system of white Easter bunny supremacy on black men.”
The Easter bunny, reached for comment, said that he “hopes those who see the video take the time to think about God’s grace, Christ’s sacrifice, and turning one’s face away from sin and toward God on this most holy of days.”