NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
One of our senile president’s most famous lines is that “Cornpop was a bad dude”, referring to his supposed battle with a gang leader named Cornpop at a Deleware pool many years ago. Apparently, Biden, who liked having the black children at the pool feel his blonde leg hair (creepy), used a chain to fend off and intimidate Cornpop, who was wielding a cutthroat razor.
Well, in a shocking turn of events, it turns out that Biden’s Cornpop story is mostly true, but that Cornpop wasn’t some rapid, violent gang leader; rather, he was a concerned citizen trying to get some creepy white guy who was constantly being felt up by a bunch of young black children to leave the pool for good.
That news came out as part of the leak of the contents of Hunter Biden’s phone, a leak that followed 4chan’s hack of his iCloud account. Hunter, in a video that was just released as part of the leak, says, while talking to a stripper/hooker making fun of his diad for the Cornpop story:
“Look, Crystal, that actually happened. Well, not quite how dad, “Pedo Peter”, as I call him, tells it, but the whole confrontation did actually happen.
“The reality is that, like, Dad was a lifeguard at this pool and he was the only white guy there. He only had the job for like a week because he kept getting creepy with all the kids, telling them to rub his legs and ‘feel his leg hair.’ Apparently, that’s how pops got his jollies off back in the day.
“Anyway, anyway, Cornpop then showed up to the pool all liquored up one day and say Pedo Peter being felt up by the kids. Well, he got pissed about that, obviously, as pops looked a bit too much like an Epstein type of character for Cornpop’s comfort.
“So Cornpop whips out this huge razor or switchblade or whatever…looked a lot like that knife your pimp carries…and starts chasing pops around the pool, screaming bloody murder while pops runs for his life. Dad eventually snagged a chain he used to keep Cornpop at bay until a friend came and picked him up.
“So dad lost his job, Cornpop kept the kids safe, and I wasn’t allowed to go to that pool growing up because dad was worried that Cornpop was still wandering around it and just waiting to carve up a Biden some day.”
Hunter then went back to smoking crack with the aging Russian prostitute and arguing with her over how many grams of the (to him) precious rocks she had used up and trying to subtract that from his tab for the night, which it was clear he had little intention or ability of paying.