Skip to content

BREAKING: Fauci Dies Suddenly While Saying There’s No Cause for Worry If People Die Suddenly

    shutterstock 1840078672 1
    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Lots and lots of people have been dying suddenly. High schoolers dropping dead out of the blue. Healthy athletes collapsing on the field. People that shouldn’t be dying suddenly passing in the moddle of the night.

    So what’s going on? Scientists don’t know, but they know that it certainly isn’t that one thing you think it might be since this didn’t happen before they made up do that thing in the name of public health and safety.

    That thing, of course, is the Covid jab. Before it? “Died suddenly” stories weren’t dominating the headlines. After it? Well let’s just say there have been an outsized number of stories.

    And so that’s what Dr. Fauci appeared on TV to say yesterday, telling CNN:

    “Look, look, Don [Lemon], the AP had this to report, and this is important so I’m going to read it:

    “‘Results from 6-year-old Anastasia Weaver’s autopsy may take weeks. But online anti-vaccine activists needed only hours after her funeral this week to baselessly blame the COVID-19 vaccine.

    “‘A prolific Twitter account posted Anastasia’s name and smiling dance portrait in a tweet with a syringe emoji. A Facebook user messaged her mother, Jessica Day-Weaver, to call her a “murderer” for having her child vaccinated.

    “‘In reality, the Ohio kindergartner had experienced lifelong health problems since her premature birth, including epilepsy, asthma and frequent hospitalizations with respiratory viruses. “The doctors haven’t given us any information other than it was due to all of her chronic conditions. … There was never a thought that it could be from the vaccine,” Day-Weaver said of her daughter’s death.

    “‘But those facts didn’t matter online, where Anastasia was swiftly added to a growing list of hundreds of children, teens, athletes and celebrities whose unexpected deaths and injuries have been incorrectly blamed on COVID-19 shots. Using the hashtag #diedsuddenly, online conspiracy theorists have flooded social media with news reports, obituaries and GoFundMe pages in recent months, leaving grieving families to wrestle with the lies.'”

    “So, you see, it’s all just made up. No need to fear, no need to worry. Everything is completely fine because that one girl had a health condition. So it’s ok. Not an iss–”

    That, however, was when Fauci keeled over on video. Jabbed 27 times, it finally proved too much for him and he died suddenly on air. His successor didn’t reverse tack, however, saying that Fauci had died from some “bad seafood.”

    By: Will Tanner. Follow me on Twitter @Will_Tanner_1

    Do you think Trump should be arrested?(Required)
    This poll gives you free access to our premium politics newsletter. Unsubscribe at any time.
    This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.