NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
How are things going within the Brandon White House now that Hunter is back in town after doing God knows what while on a two-week “business trip” to the fleshpot of Bangkok?
Not well, apparently, as news out of DC and videos posted to Twitter by people in the area are showing that an astounding amount of smoke is billowing from the White House and part of the building appears to be on fire.
Though the exact cause of the roaring blaze is unknown, an anonymous source within the White House tells us that it was Hunter and his crack addiction, or, more specifically, crack pipe and lighter for it, that caused the fire.
Speaking on that in a hushed voice, presumably from some quiet and private place within the White House, the source said:
“Yeah, so I was in communication with the security detail assigned to watch Hunter and make sure he didn’t set anything on fire with his crack pipe or film himself doing illegal things with…ummm…women of the night and narcotics while within the White House.
“For the first few hours today after he woke up at like 2 pm, all was well, but then things took a turn downhill when the bored agents started watching Netflix on their iPad and ignored Hunter, who didn’t seem to be up to all that much.
“That must have been the opportunity he was looking for, as he apparently started lighting up his crack pipe once they were distracted, having a merry old time while hunched behind a curtain.
“But then, after the rush, he fell asleep and the crack pipe fell out of his hand, with some of the embers and ashes within it spilling out onto the floor and lighting both it and those horrid drapes Dr. Jill picked out on fire. No one noticed until a roaring blaze had ignited, with a huge section of the room alight.
“Hunter finally woke up and ran away, leaving the agents to deal with his mess. They had no idea what to do, so they decided to chase him down the hallway and just try to catch him instead. And so the blaze kept roaring away, escalating from something that could have been solved with a fire extinguisher or two into something that needed the use of a fire truck and required the evacuation of the building.
“Everyone is pissed, but Hunter has already jetted off to somewhere, so we can’t really deal with him right now. Time will tell how expensive the repairs are.”