NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Embarking on yet another highly embarrassing (for his father and family, at least) venture involving a little bit of “Columbian bam bam”, Hunter Biden was just caught attempting to smuggle a literal boatload of cocaine into Florida. Piloting the cartel-owned cigar boat, Hunter crashed the craft off the coast of Miami and was spotted by a Coast Guard helicopter with a glass of French red in one hand and a bag of…Columbian white in another.
Apparently, he had overindulged in both and forgotten to check the map, leading to his crashing the craft on a rocky shoal and getting caught despite the significant bribes that had been deployed to keep him safe.
But it didn’t all end peacefully and get swept under the rug there. No, Hunter, who is apparently a big fan of the movie “Scarface” had brought along a Colt M4A1 select-fire rifle with an under-barrel M203 grenade launder “just in case” he saw “pirates” on his boat ride. Out of his mind because of the substances, Hunter started firing at the helicopter with both the grenade launcher and rifle, forcing it away from his boat.
That was only a temporary reprieve for him, however, as a Coast Guard cutter was nearby and was poised to intercept him, or any other (alleged) drug smugglers on the Miami route, pretending we’re still in the Miami Vice days.
And so the 126 foot cutter, equipped with two 20 mm cannons and 3 M240B machine guns arrived, ready to open up if Hunter insisted on firing at the Coast Guard vessel like he had fired on the helicopter. Had he been awake he might have, but the “Columbian white” and French red had worn off so he was fast asleep when his stranded boat was boarded by a Coast Guard interdiction team and he was taken off to prison.
Though we are as of yet unsure what is going on in the Biden White House as it scrambles to respond to the incident, a confidential source in the Biden Administration told us that Dr. Jill Biden is attempting to force the CIA to say that Hunter was on a “secret mission” for them, but that they won’t do so because that could imperil their drug smuggling routes into the country. President Biden, who has been asleep since 3 pm, is unable to help with the situation and has waved away questions every time the Secret Service tried waking him up to deal with the issue.
President Putin has helpfully offered to inter Hunter Biden alongside Brittney Griner to teach him about the importance of following drug laws, but Hunter rejected that idea outright because, as he put it, “that WNBA chick is uglier than Kamala”. The story will be updated as Biden wakes up and presumably attempts to deal with the issue.