NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
In a shocking twist of events, Justice Clarence Thomas has been found dead by police, who unsurprisingly have given few details on what is going on, when the death occurred, and what evidence they’ve so far been able to collect or progress they’ve been able to make.
However, one thing that has leaked out both from the local police department and the FBI team responsible for investigating is that Hillary is suspected, as she recently sounded off on Justice Thomas and implied that his decisions were killing people, saying:
“I went to law school with [Justice Thomas]. He’s been a person of grievance for as long as I have known him — resentment, grievance, anger … Women are going to die, Gayle. Women will die.”
Apparently, the police and FBI agents suspect that Hillary wasn’t only using that statement to try to rally support to her party, which is flagging given the disaster that is the senile moron in the White House, but that she actually believed it and thinks that Thomas was intentionally killing people, and thus needed to be killed so that he and the horrific effects of his decisions would be stopped.
Hillary, for her part, denied the rumors and said that Thomas was a “good friend of hers, despite their differences” and that their days in law school together were “some of her fondest memories.”
However, internet sleuths noted that the Clinton Foundation’s G600 had been stood up and was waiting, fueled, outside its hangar. The plane had also filed a flight plan indicating that it would end up in Ecuador, which does not have an extradition treaty with the US. The flight plan also has the plane traveling quite close to Cuba, leading some to suspect that she could land there too.
Further raising eyebrows is the fact that many of the supposed details about Thomas’ death that have leaked out have all the hallmarks of a suspected Clinton kill.
For example, Thomas was supposedly found on a beach with a noose around his neck (no tree or other beam on which to tie it in sight), two gunshot wounds to the back of his head, marks on his wrists from handcuffs or zip ties, and footprints in the sand leading away from him to a nearby parking lot.
Bill Clinton is not suspected of being involved other than tangentially through the Clinton Foundation, if its hit team was indeed used, as he has been in Las Vegas for the past two weeks on a “destressing” trip.
AG Merrick Garland, for his part, said that although the death looked suspicious on first glance, no foul play was so far suspected because “perfectly reasonable explanations” could be found for all of the odd elements of the death and that he was sure “Hillary’s good name will be cleared.”