Skip to content

BREAKING: Merrick Garland Requests Search Warrant on Hunter Biden

    shutterstock 625373318.fbi
    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    After yesterday’s angry statement about how good of a job the FBI is doing and how the real problem isn’t that it acted like the Stasi for the Democrats but rather than the GOP and many MAGA voters have reacted with anger to the FBI’s raid on Donald Trump’s home and thumbing through Melania’s clothes, a statement that did nothing to improve the FBI’s image in the eyes of the average American, AG Garland realized (belatedly) that a change in course was needed.

    Not a real change of course that would mean any meaningful change would happen, of course. Just enough of a change to get the Republicans to back off for a bit until Garland and his cronies can come up with a more realistic and effective narrative to push back on MAGA criticism.

    And so, desperate for something to do to hold the GOP off, AG Garland decided to request a search warrant for Hunter Biden, something that would give the FBI the power to at least start poking around and see if all those claims in the New York Post and Daily Mail about what creepy stuff Hunter was up to were actually true.

    The warrant requested access to the 17 crack houses that Hunter routinely stays at, the two rehab clinics at which he has permanent rooms, all three Biden family homes, and his room in the White House.

    Unfortunately for Merrick’s plan, however, he couldn’t find a single judge willing to sign off on it. Whereas finding a judge needed to sign off on the anti-Trump warrant was easy, as no one really fears (despite their constant hand-wringing) that the right is going to start knocking off judges, no judge wanted to risk getting on the wrong side of the Clinton Foundation by letting the FBI start digging into leftist corruption.

    And so Garland had to drop the idea, after calling every single judge in America with the power and authority to approve the warrant and getting a “not a snowball’s chance in hell am I putting my name on that death sentence” from every single judge in the country.

    Hunter, however, wasn’t concerned, sneaking up on Garland from behind when he walked through the White House and joking that he had “smoked all the evidence against him,” then laughing like a crackhead and running off before Garland could do anything.

    The FBI agents that would have been assigned to the case were quite relieved, much preferring to harass and intimidate average Trump supporters than do real work and dig into the obvious criminality of a protecting son of a leftist oligarch.

    Biden, though asked for comment on the warrant, had no idea what was going on and said he wanted more oatmeal.

    By: Gen Z Conservative, editor of Follow me on Facebook and Subscribe to My Email List

    Now that DeSantis has officially put himself in the presidential race, who will you be voting for?(Required)
    This poll gives you free access to our premium politics newsletter. Unsubscribe at any time.
    This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.