NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Just after getting back to America thanks to Biden releasing a Russian arms dealer who is already helping out the Russian Federation’s war effort in the Ukraine, Brittney Griner is already under arrest again, this time in America but for much the same charge: smoking weed in public.
According to her attorney (Griner is locked up and unable to speak to media at the moment), Brittney was enjoying being back in America and walking around downtown Atlanta with some family members, smoking a joint and sipping on a Miller High Life despite being in public.
A police officer who, like every other American, doesn’t watch the WNBA and had no idea who Griner was, pulled over, flashed his lights, and arrested her for illegal possession of marijuana and drinking in public. She also could face a charge for carrying around an open container.
Griner was then carried off to jail and locked up, but because she got violent in the cop car she was not allowed to leave after sobering up and is being treated as a public danger.
Biden, furious, called on Governor Kemp to ensure Griner was released. Kemp refused, correctly recognizing the situation as a golden opportunity to win some points with the MAGA crowd by mocking Biden and creating a confrontation with him. Responding to Biden on Twitter, he said “Here in Georgia we enforce our laws, no matter who breaks them or who their friends are!”
Biden then backed off, as he sensed it was a losing battle and he never much cared about Brittney in the first place. He did, however, ask Putin if he would release Paul Whelan now that Griner was locked up again anyway, according to our source within the White House.
Putin refused, saying that he had completed his end of the bargain already and it wasn’t his fault that America is “more dysfunctional than a Soviet potato farm”, whatever that means. He later tweeted about the situation, however, saying that he would be “happy to help fight for Brittney’s release by bringing his recent prisoner release negotiation skills to the table”. It was a hilarious troll and even Don Jr. retweeted it.
Griner’s lawyers and her furious “wife”, Cherelle, went on a MSNBC, CNN, and NBC tour demanding that Kemp release Griner, but he has so far stuck to his guns and had the charge of assaulting a police officer also brought against her based on what happened in the squad car after she was arrested. The incident has led to a 20 percent approval boost for Kemp, who has brought the pro-Trump crowd back on board with him by standing up to Biden and cracking down on crime. It remains to be seen if other governors will follow suit.