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Chinese Spy Balloon Contracted to Broadcast Biden’s State of the Union Address Next Year

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    During his State of the Union address, President Biden pretended to be tough on China in an obvious attempt to play to the crowd, saying:

    Before I came to office, the story was about how the People’s Republic of China was increasing its power and America was failing in the world. Not anymore.

    We made clear and I made clear in my personal conversations, which have been many, with President Xi that we seek competition, not conflict. But I will make no apologies that we’re investing and — to make America stronger.

    Investing in American innovation and industries that will define the future that China intends to be dominating.

    Investing in our alliances and working with our allies to protect advanced technologies so they will not be used against us.

    Modernizing our military to safeguard stability and determine — deter aggression.

    Today, we’re in the strongest position in decades to compete with China or anyone else in the world. Anyone else in the world. (Applause.)

    And I’m committed — I’m committed to work with China where we can advance American interests and benefit the world. But make no mistake about it: As we made clear last week, if China threatens our sovereignty, we will act to protect our country. And we did. (Applause.)

    Look, let’s be clear: Winning the competition should unite all of us.

    We face serious challenges across the world. But in the past two years, democracies have become stronger, not weaker. Autocracies have grown weaker, not stronger.

    Name me a world leader who’d change places with Xi Jinping. Name me one. Name me one.

    Left out of that, however, was nary a mention of the Chinese spy balloon that floated over America for days, taking pictures of sensitive sites and military bases before finally being shot down…after drifting out over the Atlantic and having completed its mission.

    Why? Because he was impressed by the camera tech recovered from the shot-down balloon, tech that our source within the White House was far more impressive than anything invented or used by the American media establishment. And so, Biden quietly decided to reach out to the Zhang Corporation, which designed and built the spy balloon, to make one that floats in the top of the Congressional chamber for next year’s State of the Union address and broadcasts the speech.

    The decision was a tough one for him, as he knew he’d take heat for it after the media found out, but he said it was, given how good the cameras are, “the only decision that coulda been made, Jack”.

    CNN reported on the story in a huff, furious that it wouldn’t be included as one of next year’s broadcasters of the State of the Union address.

    By: Will Tanner. Follow me on Twitter @Will_Tanner_1

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