NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
The Biden White House and Pentagon met with the Ukrainians again and, as is now normal, pledged to hand over massive numbers of weapons and amounts of cash to the Ukrainians. The White House announced the meeting in a press release document, saying:
On July 25th, the fifth meeting of the Steering Committee of the Multi-agency Donor Coordination Platform for Ukraine was co-chaired in a virtual format by Deputy National Security Advisor for International Economics Mike Pyle, Deputy Prime Minister for Restoration of Ukraine Oleksandr Kubrakov, and European Commission Director-General for Neighborhood and Enlargement Negotiations Gert Jan Koopman. The group discussed progress to align donor and international financial institution (IFI) assistance with Ukraine’s priority needs.
The group commended the progress made since the last steering committee meeting and recognized there is more to do to ensure these efforts are fully coordinated and synchronized. Donors committed to continue working to match available financing to identified gaps building on recent sectoral workshops. In addition, participants discussed how to coordinate support for Ukraine’s reform agenda, including by aligning donor support around a consolidated view of Ukraine’s reform priorities.
Deputy National Security Advisor Pyle welcomed the strengthened coordination between Ukraine, donors, and IFIs to ensure assistance is meeting Ukraine’s priorities. He underscored the role of the Platform as the primary vehicle for donors to engage together with Ukraine on its priorities for recovery and reconstruction, leveraging the critical expertise of the IFIs and the central role of the EU. DNSA Pyle called for the group to intensify its efforts to prioritize and sequence donor and IFI support for Ukraine’s investment and reform plans. He reiterated these efforts will create an enabling environment for investment, job creation, and economic growth and stability.
But then came the sources who were there and what apparently happened. While the White House wanted to play the day’s events off as just another day in the life of fighting “racist Russia” to “protect trans and gay rights in the Western world,” what actually happened was a drug addict who knows the war is lost demanded more drugs.
“I just need more cocaine to stay awake and organize the counter-offensive,” said Ukrainian President Volodimir Zelensky, who hasn’t been “home” to Ukraine in months now and instead has been “organizing the resistance” from a villa on Mykonos, the Greek party island.
President Biden, upon hearing that, said, “Well, heck, Jack! Luckily we got plenty of that in the White House thanks to my son, who I promise will write a very nice “thank you” note for all the money Burisma gave him. But any way, we can get that fabulous “stay awake” powder to you whenever and wherever you would like. Slava Ukraini!”
Zelensky then whipped out a dime bag and got a bit more of that “stay awake medicine” into his system.