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College Enrolls Dolphin that Identifies as Human, Thrashes Competition

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    The governing body that presides over international swimming competitions, FINA, recently updated its guidance for transgender swimmers, deciding to treat people who transition as their gender at age 12 for purposes of gendered competition, finding that that was the only fair way to handle the issue because of puberty and how it changes the body during one’s teenage years.

    For an example of why that’s necessary, just look at the obvious female Lia Thomas. Her bulging muscles, among other bulges, are obvious signs of her having always been a female, albeit one trapped in a man’s body.

    Because the NCAA says that it will abide by the rulings of governing bodies such as FINA, that decision applies to college sports as well as professional or other post-grad competitions under FINA’s purview.

    Regardless, a college administrator that looked at the fine text of the ruling closely figured out a loophole: the requirement was only gender at age 12. Thus, it didn’t contemplate trans-species individuals nor the age differential between many animals and humans.

    So, looking for an easy win in the new season, the college bought two four-year-old dolphins, one male and one female (and thus able to compete in male and female competitions), which it promptly announced identified as people and enrolled in the universities “swimming and ocean theory” program, confident that the dolphins were smarter than many of its students and therefore able to complete the watered-down course load of the University’s “dolphin studies” program.

    Then, after admitting the dolphins to its academic program, the college conveniently discovered that they wanted to “walk-on” to the school’s swimming program. Testing their times in the freestyle event, it found that they easily dominated the competition and that, because of how the “butterfly” stroke is defined, the two trans-humans were able to dominate that event as well.

    Proudly announcing its two newest team members, the school’s PR team posted a picture of them swimming on Instagram, saying:

    Today we’re proud to announce the two newest members of the swim team, trans humans Harry and Sally. Though neither have undergone human transition surgery yet, we’re confident that they’ll be able to compete in this upcoming year’s freestyle and butterfly events as members of our male and female swimming teams! 

    “And for those concerned that the NCAA and FINA might not allow this, I’ll direct them to the text of their decision, which had nothing to say about trans-species individuals or two-spirits, and thus any action taken to keep Harry and Sally from competing as humans would be pure bigotry.

    The NCAA announced that it was “proud” to allow such a “forward-thinking” team to compete with the team members it thought best so long as the team followed FINA’s rules. FINA, shocked that a school actually claimed dolphins were people,  has not yet released a statement on or dealt with the issue, though the rumor is that the  ACLU lawyers are already preparing to sue if FINA stops Harry and Sally from competing.

    By: Gen Z Conservative, editor of Follow me on Facebook and Subscribe to My Email List

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