NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Are you a mediocre male athlete that wants to start dominating whatever your given sport (other than figure skating, cheerleading, diving, or gymnastics) is? Well then a few brave explorers of humanity’s stupidity have found your answer: just say you’re a woman!
That strategy, first a weightlifting joke made by conservative British rapper Zuby and now something that people like “Leah” Thomas actually do is not, is one that has taken the American sports scene by storm, particularly collegiate athletics.
In fact, it’s turned into such a trend that universities with top women’s sports teams have been swamped by applications from men who recently transitioned into being women, particularly for sports like track and field, swimming, tennis, soccer, and softball, sports in which 18 years of testosterone and male genetics really help one gain an advantage on the field or in the pool.
Speaking on that, an anonymous school sports director for a middle-sized, prestigious school in the Northeast, speaking on a condition of anonymity so as to avoid retaliation from the school or Antifa transgender brigades returning from fighting Russia, said:
“It’s been a wild year. When it came to applications having to do with athletics, nearly all of the applications our coaches accepted for the women’s sports teams were from transgender women. That is, they used to be dudes but transitioned a few months ago.
“The members of the women’s teams weren’t consulted about that decision, nor was the school’s admissions department. The coaches just did what they wanted and then later defended it by saying that they were in an ‘arms race for testosterone-fueled female athletes’ with other schools and that they think they might need to induce some older transgender women to transfer to our university and teams or there could very well be a ‘testosterone-fueled female gap’, echoing JFK’s ‘missile gap’ claims.
“I’m all for people living out their identity or whatever, I think that’s great, but this seems to have really gotten out of hand. Now it’s women that used to be men that are taking up all the spots on the teams, sucking up all the scholarship dollars for female athletes, and, frankly, limiting the athletic opportunities of women that have always been women.
“Also, and I don’t mean to be offensive or whatever, but many of the new females haven’t gotten surgery, so I worry some of our older female athletes will be uncomfortable with seeing male genitalia constantly in the locker room.”
President Biden could not be reached for comment but his son Hunter could. Hunter, in a very disappointed tone over the phone, said that he would “no longer be watching women’s soccer or volleyball in the nude”, a statement that will likely make many who were against the drift toward transgender athletes far more okay with it.